Change. A word we've heard so often over the past two years. Probably most notably with the current President's political campaign...but in so many other contexts as well. People promise change...companies promise change...seems like the whole world is promising change these days. Not to say that change is a bad thing. But it is what it is...something different.
Over the past year in my life I have experienced more change than I could've possibly imagined. I won't reiterate everything I've been through. I'd like to leave a lot of it where it belongs...in the past. But I think recently I've felt more affected by change than I did before.
I think this is to be expected moving to a new city and starting a new job. I guess I thought I was well versed enough with change that it wouldn't be an issue. But one thing I've learned is that you can't control how things affect you. Much like we can't control a lot of things we wish we could. Part of the humbling experience of life.
When I moved to Denver I think I was ready for change. With this move I'm not so sure. Obviously I was really excited about coming to Austin and getting a job...but I think a big piece of me was still in Denver. I don't think I realized how much I would miss the friends I made while I was there until it was certain I wouldn't be going back. And I know I can always go back to visit...but it's just not the same. That's not to say I don't have some great friends in the Austin area, because I certainly do...our lives are just different now.
I think the word I'm looking for is struggling. That's what I feel like I've been doing since I got here. Struggling to adjust to a totally new job. Struggling to build a life in a city I love but don't know as well as I thought. Struggling to see God's purpose in all of this. Struggling with change. Simply struggling.
And that is a tough thing for me to admit. Probably a tough thing for most people to admit. But it's the truth.
I never thought after working so hard (for what seemed like forever) at a job I took for granted that I would be back to square one. Back to being the low man on the totem pole. Back to being the new kid. Back to being the "first year" who is constantly asking questions trying to stay afloat. I knew it would be hard...just not this hard.
Don't get me wrong...I am so incredibly grateful to have this job. I know that it is truely rare to find another job where I am again surrounded by wonderful people (and lucky enough to be able to wear jeans whenever I want). Those things have made it a little easier. I know it's just going to take time. And patience. Sometimes it's hard to have faith in yourself, even when you know you are more than capable of catching up.
So that's where I am. In need of prayer while wading through a sea of change.
