Tuesday, August 4, 2015

The broken beautiful...

I started this blog six years ago tomorrow...a little fact I just stumbled upon. I didn't even realize it might be the reason I felt compelled to write again today.

Six years ago I was sort of lost, looking for a lot of answers, with some sliver of hope that getting my words out there would make a difference somehow. And I would love to say that in those six years I've found myself, or had some massive revelations, or made a big impact, but the truth is I still feel a little lost sometimes...and I am still trying to figure it all out. I'm not sure that will ever change.

What has changed is me, overall. I'm not the same person I was six years ago, everything I've done and said and lived since then has molded me into who I am today. But in some ways I still feel the same. Still fiercely loyal, still naively hopeful, still believing that broken can be beautiful. 

What hasn't changed are the reasons I started blogging in the first place. The need to get my thoughts out of my head and onto a page. The overwhelming desire to be known by many, yet truly loved by few.

It kind of all began by embracing this idea of being broken and being ok with it. A weird concept to some, but to me it just made sense. I can't remember now if it was inspired by Donald Miller's words in "Blue Like Jazz", or interpreting lyrics to a Lifehouse song (or two or three), but what I do remember is feeling like I finally saw something that had been there all along. This truly beautiful part of life that happens when you accept the broken parts for what they are instead of being defined by them.

Six years later I'm still broken and still trying to understand and embrace what it means to be ok with it. In that brokenness I've cried a lot, laughed a lot, and learned a lot. I'm sure there's plenty more of that to come too.

As I've waded through the ups and downs of life over the past six years I've tried to embrace a few simple truths...

We were made to love and be loved. To know and be known. To share the best and worst parts of ourselves with others. To understand we are each a story still being written. And maybe most importantly, that we're worth it. Broken parts and all.

"I know that I don't bring a lot to the table, just little pieces of a broken heart. There's days I wonder if You'll still be faithful, hold me together when I fall apart? Would You remind me now of who You are?

That Your love will never change, that there's healing in your name, that You can take broken things, and make them beautiful. You took my shame and You walked out of the grave, so Your love can take broken things and make them beautiful.

I'm better off when I begin to remember, how You have met me in my deepest pain. So give me glimpses now of how You have covered, all of my heart ache, oh with all Your grace. Remind me now that You can make a way...

That Your love will never change, that there's healing in your name, that You can take broken things, and make them beautiful. You took my shame and You walked out of the grave, so Your love can take broken things and make them beautiful.

You say that You'll turn my weeping into dancing, remove my sadness & cover me with joy. You say your scars are the evidence of healing, that You can make the broken beautiful..." Ellie Holcomb