The broken beautiful...

I started this blog six years ago tomorrow...a little fact I just stumbled upon. I didn't even realize it might be the reason I felt compelled to write again today.

Six years ago I was sort of lost, looking for a lot of answers, with some sliver of hope that getting my words out there would make a difference somehow. And I would love to say that in those six years I've found myself, or had some massive revelations, or made a big impact, but the truth is I still feel a little lost sometimes...and I am still trying to figure it all out. I'm not sure that will ever change.

What has changed is me, overall. I'm not the same person I was six years ago, everything I've done and said and lived since then has molded me into who I am today. But in some ways I still feel the same. Still fiercely loyal, still naively hopeful, still believing that broken can be beautiful. 

What hasn't changed are the reasons I started blogging in the first place. The need to get my thoughts out of my head and onto a page. The overwhelming desire to be known by many, yet truly loved by few.

It kind of all began by embracing this idea of being broken and being ok with it. A weird concept to some, but to me it just made sense. I can't remember now if it was inspired by Donald Miller's words in "Blue Like Jazz", or interpreting lyrics to a Lifehouse song (or two or three), but what I do remember is feeling like I finally saw something that had been there all along. This truly beautiful part of life that happens when you accept the broken parts for what they are instead of being defined by them.

Six years later I'm still broken and still trying to understand and embrace what it means to be ok with it. In that brokenness I've cried a lot, laughed a lot, and learned a lot. I'm sure there's plenty more of that to come too.

As I've waded through the ups and downs of life over the past six years I've tried to embrace a few simple truths...

We were made to love and be loved. To know and be known. To share the best and worst parts of ourselves with others. To understand we are each a story still being written. And maybe most importantly, that we're worth it. Broken parts and all.

"I know that I don't bring a lot to the table, just little pieces of a broken heart. There's days I wonder if You'll still be faithful, hold me together when I fall apart? Would You remind me now of who You are?

That Your love will never change, that there's healing in your name, that You can take broken things, and make them beautiful. You took my shame and You walked out of the grave, so Your love can take broken things and make them beautiful.

I'm better off when I begin to remember, how You have met me in my deepest pain. So give me glimpses now of how You have covered, all of my heart ache, oh with all Your grace. Remind me now that You can make a way...

That Your love will never change, that there's healing in your name, that You can take broken things, and make them beautiful. You took my shame and You walked out of the grave, so Your love can take broken things and make them beautiful.

You say that You'll turn my weeping into dancing, remove my sadness & cover me with joy. You say your scars are the evidence of healing, that You can make the broken beautiful..." Ellie Holcomb

Oh what a beautiful life...

I was listening to the radio the other morning on my long drive into work when a song came on by an artist I'd never heard of before. With no better options on the other stations, I decided to give it a listen. And I'm glad I did. The song was called "Beautiful Life" by Nick Fradiani and listening to the lyrics that day made me keenly aware of just how much I have to be grateful for. So much has happened over the past few months, it's hard to know where to begin.

Let's start with the munchkins...way back at the end of October, this sweet little pumpkin turned 2. Good thing it only took that long for him to decide Aunt C was pretty ok, even if nowhere near a close substitute for mom.  He loves chocolate ice cream and being chased around the kitchen and on a very rare occasion sharing some snuggles. And quite frankly he's pretty great, even when he's screaming about changing out of his jammies (pronounced jah-mies). Life is rough at 2 1/2.

Not to be overlooked is his very silly and vivacious older sister, who just turned 5. Five. I don't know how she grew up so fast. It's like we blinked and this tiny baby turned into this funny, princess and mermaid obsessed little person. She is stubborn and spirited and loving all at once. It's been a true joy watching her personality grow and change over the years. I'm so glad she still thinks Aunt C is cool, I'll take it for as long as I can get it.

Back to October. It was actually a pretty busy month in the Pence household. Between 2nd birthdays and baby bro's wedding, it was just one celebration after another. Not a bad way to spend the month if you ask me. Scott and Emily have been together for what feels like forever, since way back when they were just a couple of college kids. Well they're still kids to me. It was truly a privilege to watch them stand up in front of all their friends and family and profess their love for each other. Certainly know how to make a big sister proud.

 

And not too long after that we were excited to learn they would soon become parents themselves. Another little niece on her way. The end of September can't come fast enough! 

Not a bad few months right? Oh it doesn't stop there. 

A couple of weeks ago I had the extreme honor of sharing a very special moment in my bestie's life. Her engagement. I'm not sure there is anything you want more than to see your friend happy, to find someone truly worthy of their heart. Sometimes it takes a lot of heartache to get there, but I'm pretty sure it's worth it in the end. I can't wait to see what the future holds for these 2, and I look forward to being there every step of the way. That's what besties are for after all.

You never know when inspiration will find you...for me, I'm just glad I chose to listen.

"...oh what a beautiful life, oh what a beautiful life..."

Listen to your heart...

I'm going to warn you now...if you don't know what tomorrow is, this post may not be for you.  Sorry about that.  For all of you that do know (well ok even if you don't)...keep reading!

In case you aren't aware by now I am a HUGE college sports fan.  I quite literally live and breathe it every day.  And tomorrow is national signing day, which for grown ups is like Christmas Day and Draft Day combined into one glorious package.  It's absolutely brilliant.  Especially now with a lot of the "big" announcements being covered live by ESPNU and other various media outlets.  There is even a camera whose sole purpose is to watch signed letters come in on a fax machine.  A fax machine! 

We salivate over the number of stars a recruit has or the overall ranking assigned to them based on their high school or junior college career.  We can't get enough of the highlight reels that pop up on our social media feeds.  We trade trash talk at work and over twitter.  We get our feelings hurt when they don't choose our school, our team.  It is both exhilarating and disappointing. 

I'm sure this won't surprise anyone, but I've never played football in my life.  Not only because I'm a girl, but mostly because I never wanted to.  I always wanted to watch, cheer, boo.  Be a fan. 

But it's so much more than that.  It's yelling at the tv when you're the only person in the room (even if it terrifies your dog), it's standing in the miserable heat/rain/cold for 4 hours just to watch your team lose, it's showing up at midnight the night before a game just to take it all in.  It's anxiously awaiting the decision of an 18 year old kid. 

I can't even imagine what it's like to be one of these kids.  The pressure, the expectations, the fear of disappointing everyone around you. 

Here's the only advice I have to offer.  Listen to your heart.  Follow it.  Choose the school that feels right.  It is your decision and your future.  Embrace it.  Pick the people you want to lead you, to mold you into a man.  Find the place you're passionate about. 

Be passionate about your coaches, your team, your teammates.  Be passionate about your willingness, your dedication, your drive.  Love what you do, every single day.  Be in, be all in. 

As a fan that's all we can ask of you.  All we want is for you to become a part of our team, our traditions, our family.  To know that win or lose we've got your back.  That we won't ever give up on you, so don't ever give up on yourself. 

Thank you for giving us something to root for.  For making your life a part of ours, even if only for a little while.  Thank you for all of the brilliant moments yet to come. We truly wish you nothing but the best.  Oh and just for good measure...Gig 'Em. 

Love alone is worth the fight...

I was really conflicted over the purpose of this post, and even now I'm not 100% sure where this will end up, but sometimes you just need to write. 

The past few months have been full of a lot of ups and downs, both personally and professionally, and it's interesting once you're on the other side to look back and see how you changed through it all.  Pretty sure I'm not 100% there yet either.  But I feel like somewhere along the way I started to see things a little differently.  I'm not sure I can fully explain it, but it's like there was this slow shift in priorities taking place.  In a way it was like trying to get back to the basics of being me, or maybe even trying to figure out who I really am. 

And here's what I know so far...some parts of me haven't changed.  I am still a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, and a superbly stubborn, unabashedly honest, quasi-perfectionist.  But the new parts...the ones I wasn't as aware of (or maybe less comfortable with)...are just as important.  And those parts, the parts that I am still working to discover, have been both surprising and expected all at the same time. 

I have always considered myself an emotional person, a product of always wearing your heart on your sleeve I guess, but lately I have been finding emotion in some of the most simple, ordinary things.  And I love that.  But it's not super surprising. 

The more unexpected discovery is how that emotion is transforming into an overwhelming sense of compassion and this desire to just love on people.  Sometimes all it takes is realizing that on some level we are all hurting and struggling and longing to be accepted and loved.

It's during weeks like this, where we pause to remember, grieve, and raise awareness, that I realize over the past few months and years I have truly fallen in love with wanting people to know how important, unique, and irreplaceable they are.  I want them to share their stories.  Of struggle, success, failure, heartache, love...whatever it is.  All of it. The good, the bad, and especially the ugly.  And I want them to see how beautiful it is.  I want them to know it's ok to be vulnerable, to cry, to laugh, to talk about the scary stuff, to ask for help, and to try to figure out where we fit in this great big world.  I want to listen.  To understand.  To embrace.  To love. 

If all you get from these ramblings tonight is one thing, I want it to be this...you are loved.  More than you can ever imagine.  And you matter.  No one else can play your part (www.twloha.com).  Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.  Love alone is worth the fight.

"And we find what we're made of, through the open door, is it fear you're afraid of, what are you waiting for? Love alone is worth the fight..."  Switchfoot

Love Does.

Two simple words that disconnected from each other are just words, but put together, can change the world.  That's what I learned a few weeks ago...love can do anything. 

Quite a few months ago (ok maybe it's been well over a year now) I started seeing tweets about a book that was coming out written by a man named Bob Goff.  At this point I'd heard of Bob while reading one of Donald Miller's books, but I didn't really know much about him.  As word continued to spread about his book, the more interested I became.  So I ordered it.  And I read it.  And I loved it.  It was definitely not your typical book...more of a collection of fascinating stories from a life full of adventure.  It seemed like something out of a movie.  But Bob is real and so are his stories. 

Fast forward to a couple of months ago when I saw Bob tweet out a link to a conference called Love Does Austin.  Of course I couldn't resist finding out more about it.  I went to the website, watched the video from Love Does Tacoma, read about the speakers and musicians that would be there, checked out the dates and the price, and began to wonder if I should go.  At first I kind of brushed it off.  I couldn't really miss two whole days of work could I?  Would I really go by myself?  Is this really intended for someone like me?  But the more I looked at the website, the more excited I got just at the thought of going.  For starters some people I really admire were going to be there...and some really stinkin' cool musicians as well.  So I emailed my boss, got approval to take the days off, and signed up. 

As the dates for the conference approached, I became anxious about the unknowns of what to expect and how it was going to impact me.  I really had no idea.  Nonetheless on October 31st I got up early, showered, got ready, drove down the beast that is I-35 south and arrived about an hour before it all started.  I was there. 

I was greeted by friendly faces, colorful balloons, warm coffee, and amazing donuts.  I walked around the village for a while to take it all in.  Perused various booths full of t-shirts, jewelry, and other various items.  I still had no idea what I was in for.  But what I got was more than I ever could have expected. 

First up was Bob himself.  For so long all I knew of him was this picture in my head and here he was in the flesh.  From the moment he bounded on stage I knew I was in for a fun couple of days.  His laughter alone was proof of that.  He is more of a character than even Walt Disney could've drawn.  His love and passion and joy just radiated from the stage.  What a cool guy.  More to come on him later.

Bob's son come on stage after him to introduce the first speaker.  Someone who has had a profound impact on his life, my life, and I would imagine countless others.  Donald Miller.  From Blue Like Jazz (the book and the movie) to Through Painted Deserts and most recently A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, I feel like I've been on a personal journey with Don for a long time now.  To be honest he was one of the main reasons I wanted to be at the conference.  And he didn't disappoint.  He talked about mapping out the story of our lives.  Discovering who we are, what we really want, and how we get there. What resonated with me the most was his proclamation that we are not our failures.  And we are also not our successes.  We are made to be known by other people.  Simple, yet beautiful.  Great start to the day.

Next up was one of the many speakers on the schedule I didn't know much about.  Rebekah Lyons.  She walked out on stage and the first thing I thought was this lady has it all together...hair perfectly coiffed, statement necklace positioned just right.  What I was not expecting was her story.  One of overcoming crippling social anxiety.  One of facing your fears.  One of relinquishing control.  The most beautiful thing she said (and I'm paraphrasing here) was sometimes you have to stay in free fall, for only there will you find rescue.  Not something a lot of us are comfortable with that's for sure.  But definitely something worth remembering. 

I was introduced to Jamie Tworkowski, the founder of To Write Love On Her Arms, through a friend back in the summer of 2006.  She was wearing a TWLOHA shirt at camp and I'd never heard of it before.  The coolest thing was the story behind the name was printed on the inside of the t-shirt.  What an awesome way to spread your message.  They are an organization "dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery."  This is a part of their vision..."You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know your story is important, and you're part of a bigger story. You need to know your life matters."  Powerful stuff.  Jamie didn't prepare a speech for the conference, he just got up on the stage and spoke from his heart.  About the organization, about his life and his struggles, and how important it is for people to know that they cannot be replaced.  There is something so endearing about someone who is willing to share their pain with you.  It makes them real.  Broken just like the rest of us.  I strongly encourage you to check them out sometime (www.twloha.com).

There's not much I love more than acoustic music in an intimate setting (several people can attest to that) and the concert that night was no exception.  One of the things I learned about myself at the conference is that food might be the way to a man's heart but music is certainly the way to mine. 

First up was Matt Wertz...a musician I have adored (and yes had a bit of a crush on) for years.  Ever since he played outside of a coffee house in College Station.  From then on I was hooked.  He is goofy and charming and incredibly talented rolled into a sweet curly haired ball.  Just greatness.

After Matt was Sleeping at Last.  Ryan O'Neal is the sole member but that night he was joined onstage by a string trio.  He had played throughout the day between speakers, but that night was something else.  His music is heart-wrenchingly beautiful.  His voice so incredibly unique.  It was like being transported to a different time.  I had no idea that I've been hearing his music for years but not really listening.  Well I am listening now. 

Then the special guest came on stage.  And I will admit I had no idea who he was.  He started singing and I was convinced I didn't know this person.  I heard the ladies behind me talking about him so turned to ask them who it was.  And then he sang a song I knew and I made the connection.  I had never seen a picture of Brandon Heath before, but I certainly knew some of his music, and I would recognize him now.  I definitely hadn't heard his song "Love Does" (which was inspired by Bob) before that night.  But I find myself listening to it on repeat these days.  It was when Brandon was on stage singing that I realized how much music speaks to me.  Of course it doesn't hurt that he's good looking either.

Last but certainly not least that night was David Crowder Band.  And man are they something.  From the beards to the clothes straight out of Back to the Future, they were a sight to behold.  But boy were they spectacular.  I forgot how much I love their music.  What a perfect way to end a fantastic day.

Day 2 started out with a DJ spinning onstage, quite a difference from the previous day's music.  But I was intrigued.  It turns out that DJ Opdiggy is Amena Brown's husband and the rhythm for her spoken word.  Girl.  I was blown away.  Her passion and talent and story were right there in your face and I was speechless.  Not a bad way to start the day at all.

Next up was John Cotton Richmond.  Talk about a guy living out an incredible story.  John is a Federal Prosecutor for the Department of Justice in the Human Trafficking Prosecution Unit.  Before that he worked on human trafficking crimes as the Director of the International Justice Mission’s slavery work in India.  Wow.  Who can say that they free people from slavery?  Certainly not me.  John can.  The jewels on his crown in heaven will be plentiful for the work he does. 

After John was Mike Foster.  Someone I had been introduced to the previous day during Jamie's breakout session.  Mike is the co-founder of an organization called People of the Second Chance.  Again someone I knew nothing about before the conference.  But someone I came to greatly respect in the time I got to hear him speak.  "People of the Second Chance works to help all of us find the unique gift in our story of struggle. By connecting our hearts to the God of second chances, our stories can find a beautiful purpose. We believe life’s mess-ups and let downs can be used for the good of others..."  I feel like the work that Mike and Don and Jamie do is all somewhat integrated.  Their messages are so similar yet each so special.  Mike reminded me that it is God who takes our brokenness and wants to make it beautiful again.  That we are God's beloved, heaven's poetry. 

Veronica Tutaj works with an organization called Young Lives in East Austin.  Young Lives is part of Young Life that's designed for teenage mothers.  If you don't already know that Young Life is a huge part of my story, you should know that I wouldn't be who or where I am today without YL and the people involved.  I can't imagine how hard it is to minister to teenagers these days, let alone teenage mothers.  But I can imagine how easy it is to love them.  To show them that they matter and their lives aren't ruined and people care about them.  Veronica shared with us some of her struggles over the past year, and I know it hasn't been easy, but I'm so glad she stuck with it, those kids need her.  They need to be loved. 

From Veronica to Jeremy Cowart, an inspiring photographer that's just a bit shy.  His story of never feeling good enough or smart enough is something most of us have dealt with at some point in our lives.  He is a visionary and an artist with an incredible gift. And using his talents to serve people who can't afford to have pictures taken seems like something so small, but means so much.  I can't wait to see what is in store for him, and his app. 

The last and certainly funniest speaker of the conference was Jon Acuff.  Sorry this is longer than 200 words Jon...I just couldn't help it.   Jon is in a season of change, a season of uncertainty and doubt.  And he shared his fears and his hopes and his humor on how he's handling the change.  Change is scary.  Sometimes it happens all of a sudden and even if we think we're ready we may not be prepared for the full impact.  A couple of things he mentioned I found especially interesting...your relationships change when you change...and people won't understand why you want to change.  You don't control the story people tell, you choose the way you live.  Stuff that just makes you go huh.  Never thought about it like that. 

I could keep going on and on about the things I learned over those two days.  Or the people I met like John and Jill from South Louisiana who are quite possibly the sweetest, kindest people I've randomly met.  Thank you for befriending me. 

To Bob Goff...thank you for all that you do and all that you are.  For writing a book and putting on a conference about what love can do.  For laughing and throwing candy and dressing up like Woody.  For being friends with some incredible people and bringing the family together.  For knocking down doors and rescuing kids.  But most of all, for loving.

"Nobody knows why your heart is broken, nobody cries while your prayers are going up, but Love does...nobody walks on the road you're paving, nobody sees all the souls you're saving, oh, but Love does..."  Brandon Heath

You're only getting better...

Let me start off by apologizing for the lack of music on the blog right now...the site I was using doesn't work anymore and I haven't had time to find a new one yet.  Hopefully I can get the tunes back up and running soon.  I know the music is really the only reason you come to the blog so thanks for hanging with me anyway.  Also I'm pretty sure this post is going to be a hodgepodge of different topics/thoughts so consider this your warning that I may veer off course a time or two. 

I love blogging.  And before blogs existed I loved writing in a journal/diary as a kid (yes back before computers were commonly owned items).  So I feel bad that I haven't kept up with it as much over the past couple of years.  Maybe it's because my life is considerably less dramatic than it used to be, maybe I process things differently now, or maybe I've just lost the motivation.  Whatever the reason, I really want to do better going forward.  I think I say that every time.  But I mean it this time...well I mean it in this moment anyhow. 

Is it just me or has anyone else felt like time has been passing so quickly lately?  And somewhere in the time passing this precious child turned 3.  Yep I said 3.  Seriously how is that possible?  I know her birthday was almost 2 months ago (see it's not just the 2nd child that gets overlooked), but I felt I needed to make sure she once again knew just how much she's loved.  It's been so much fun watching her turn into this vibrant, stubborn, adorable little person.  She has such a sweet spirit about her and even when she doesn't love her Aunt C the most, she's still pretty darn great.  I think we'll keep her around. 

And of course watching her grow up got me thinking about how much better we become as we get older.  Like a fine wine we get better with age right?  So while E turned 3 this year, it was a little more of a milestone birthday for me...the big 3-0.  I remember being younger and thinking 30 sounded SO old...but now that I'm here it doesn't seem so bad (or old).  After turning 29 last year I started tossing around the idea of putting together some type of bucket list of things I wanted to accomplish in the last year of my twenties.  But for those of you who know me...you know I am not the list maker in the family.  That is all B, queen of the lists.  Don't get me wrong I make lists for the grocery store all the time (mostly so I don't forget things), but it's just not something I love to do. 

So I didn't make a list.  Instead I decided I wanted to become a better version of myself by 30.  Or at least be working on a better version of me by then. Now don't go thinking I was trying to reinvent myself or anything like that...just improve upon a few things.  Probably the most noticeable is my health/weight.  Not something I will go into great detail about, it's still a work in process, but at least I'm headed in the right direction.  The other things range from spending more time with my family to being more positive at work (even when it's really hard) to learning to appreciate and make the most of what I have.  I recently read a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and if you haven't heard of it or read it yet, it's a goodie.  It's a woman's personal story about the challenge to make a list of 1,000 small things to be thankful for and how that gratitude can change you.  Yep another list.  No I haven't started one of those lists either, but in my mind it's fun to mentally make note of the little things as I realize them.  Like right now it's Ella snuggled up next to me on the couch while I type.  Something I take for granted so much of the time.

You may be thinking I'm starting to veer a little right now, but give me a minute to bring it all back.  What I took away from Ann's book was that being thankful for the little, everyday stuff helps us lead a more grateful life, and let's be honest who couldn't do with a little more gratitude?  It was one of those things I didn't even realize I was lacking, but I sure am glad to be working on it now.  And trust me there are still plenty of days where I forget to take the time to mentally add items to my gratitude list...also still a work in process.

I guess I will always be a work in process.  That's really ok with me...who am I to think God's done working on me?  I imagine He's probably laughing about that right now, thinking we've got a long way to go.  And I am grateful for that.  Grateful to be a work in process.  One that's hopefully only getting better. 

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them."  Ephesians 2:10

My life would suck without you...

We sang this song at Jenna's karaoke birthday a few weeks ago and then I heard Kelly Clarkson sing it live a few days later...we sang it better at karaoke of course.  Kidding.  And while we were singing Jenna commented something along the lines of the lyrics being kind of depressing.  Which I had honestly never really thought about before.  Maybe because the chorus is so catchy and happy sounding...or maybe because it sounds like the kind of "anthem" you sing to someone you couldn't imagine your life without.  I prefer to think of it in a positive light anyway.  Glass half full type of stuff.  But it got me thinking...I am a really lucky/blessed person.  There are SO many people in my life that make it not suck.  And this post is dedicated to all of them. 

If you're really lucky, like me, you meet some of these people early on in life.  Perhaps when you're born they're already there, even if they aren't too fond of you at first, or come along a few years later.  It may take a while for you to realize what you have, and there may be lots of pinching, screaming, and crying involved before you get there.  The cool part is getting there.  And learning to appreciate those built in friends not everyone has.  I think I hit the sibling jackpot (most of the time at least).

A little later in life come the friends you meet as a kid and before you know it nearly 20 years have gone by, even though it seems like just yesterday you were having a sleepover or going to Six Flags for the first time.   These are the friends I think most people have while they're growing up and then kind of lose touch with as over the years as they move on to different high schools, colleges, cities, etc.  But not me.  These are the people I consider an extension of my family.  We've shared so much of our lives together...the ups, downs, and fights in between.  They've helped shape me into the person I am today and I couldn't be more thankful.  Again I know I hit the best friend jackpot with these 2.

Throughout high school and college you tend to add more friends to the mix.  Some come and go, but others just seem to have a way of sticking.  I count myself incredibly lucky to have made such good friends in high school...even after going to different colleges and making other friends we still have each other and the nights we're all together are some of my favorites.   And the friends we've added along the way seem to fit right in like they were missing from the start.  It's like a puzzle you couldn't quite figure out. Yep you guessed it...jackpot. 

 

Last but certainly not least are the "grown up" friends you make.  I like to think of these friends as kindred spirits (thanks Anne of Green Gables).  Now if you're like me and you've moved around quite a bit in the past few years you probably have various groups of friends in different parts of the country.  Which I love.  It's so fun to go visit on occasion and catch up like no time has passed at all.  The cool part is some of these friends have known you the shortest amount of time yet perhaps know you the best out of anyone.  Pretty neat right?  I think so.  

It's like hitting the mega millions jackpot.  I hope these friends, and the ones that didn't make the pictures (I could only pull so many from Facebook), know how much they are loved.  They're all unique and special and our relationships are everything.  My life would seriously suck without all of them. 

"I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too, either way I found out I'm nothing without you...because we belong together now, forever united here somehow, yeah you got a piece of me, and honestly, my life would suck without you..."  Kelly Clarkson

Life is beauty-full

I know it's been quite a while since my last post...but I promise I am going to try to do better from now on. 

In my long absence this sweetness happened...

Parks Ryan Timmerman

Born October 29, 2012 at 1:22 pm

6 pounds 15 ounces, 20 inches

 

And yes he is more than 3 months old now (I know bad Aunt C).  He is such a sweet angel baby...content, joyful, already a little heart breaker.  And again our hearts overflow with love and thanksgiving.  We are once again reminded of how great God's faithfulness truly is.  It never ceases to amaze me. 

"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." Psalm 139:13-14

For the people, by the people...

A few years ago I read a book.  I can't remember how I found it, if it was a friend that passed it along or if I just happened to stumble upon it, but either way at the time I had no idea the impact it would have on my life (and numerous other lives as well).  What I do remember is how refreshing I found it.  In a world full of fluffy religious books, this one was honest, personal, and full of relatable experiences.  The book was Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality...I was instantly drawn into Donald Miller's world and have been captivated by his ability to tell a beautiful story ever since. 

A couple of years ago I heard the book was being made into a movie.  Little did I know that by the time I heard about it, it was almost too late.  I remember reading on Don's blog that the movie wasn't going to be made because of funding issues and then finding the Kickstarter website started by a couple of guys trying to save it.  Money was tight but I felt so strongly about getting this story told that I knew I had to get involved.  So I donated, and after a month of other people like me chipping in, the movie was saved.  Since then I have watched (and read about) the tireless amount of dedication and hard work it took to get this wonderful book turned into a story worthy of its big screen debut.  As the release date approached I grew more and more excited about this fan-funded project.  I was so proud to be involved with making something happen that can potentially change people's lives.  But I will admit I was a little nervous to see how it would be received by people who hadn't been a part of this journey.  I knew that regardless of what other people thought or said, I still had to see it for myself. 

Last night I did just that, and I was certainly not disappointed.  A movie about a guy coming to grips with a faith he tried so hard to deny.  It was funny, poignant, relatable, and unabashedly honest.  Everything I loved so much about the book made it into the somewhat fictionalized version on the screen.  I laughed at the portrayal of a stereotypical Texan out of his comfort zone and cried at the very moving conversation in the confession booth.  For me the confession scene is what the whole movie was all about.  It put into words better than I can how real it is to struggle with and accept something you don't always understand.  

As a Christian who has struggled with her faith through the years, there was so much I could relate to.  The desire to fit in, the yearning to find the place you belong, and the shame of trying to hide who you are.  I've been there, and even though I haven't done exactly the same things, I am guilty of trying to be someone I'm not.  It's ok to struggle.  It's ok to want to fit in.  And it's also ok to be a Christian who struggles and wants to fit in. 

I hope this movie can speak to people the way the book spoke to me all those years ago.  I hope that people see it as something other than a Christian film or a movie about God.  I hope that it helps people write new stories full of love and forgiveness.

I am so privileged to have it as part of my story.

"Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something, before you can love it yourself."
www.bluelikejazzthemovie.com

Breaking up is hard to do...

Breakups suck...let's just get that out in the open right now.  They are awkward, painful, and often leave you wondering what exactly went wrong.  We (ladies) usually spend way too much time replaying and over-analyzing every little detail in our heads...kinda crazy really!  But for the past few weeks a lot of people (mostly men actually) have been paying close attention to a big time breakup happening right here in Texas.

That's right, I'm talking about Texas A&M's divorce from the Big 12.  Now I know, I'm an Aggie, so my stance is probably biased right?  Give me a chance to explain...you just might be surprised!

Last summer the internet blew up with rumors of Mizzou bolting for the Big 10.  People were speculating left and right...who would go where, would the Big 12 survive...you name it and there is probably an article about it somewhere.  When all was said and done, Nebraska and Colorado went their separate ways, leaving behind a 10 team conference "held together" by the promise of more money for everyone and better tv deals.  And all was right in the world again...or was it?

Fast forward a year later and here we are again...on the brink of another team leaving a conference that was once regarded as one of the best in the country.  But this time it's my team. 

I remember sitting at my desk a few weeks ago when seemingly out of nowhere my twitter feed went crazy with rumors that A&M was once again negotiating with the SEC.  Huh?  Didn't we just do this?  Talk about deja vu.   

Now here's where it gets ugly...the reason for the breakup.

I have read A LOT of articles lately and there are a lot of opinions floating around about what the final straw was for A&M.  Some will say it's the Longhorn Network, others chalk it up to jealousy...maybe it's a combination of both, or maybe there's more to it than the burnt orange and white down the road.  It is possible that no one will ever own up to the real reason(s) for the split...it's always easier to deflect the blame onto someone else anyway.  It's not you it's me, right?  Right.

Here's what I know...I was raised to be a Longhorn by parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins that all proudly hailed from the school down in Austin.  And as a kid I loved it.  I also didn't know much else.  Sure I knew there was a school of Horned Frogs in my town...and some Bears down the road...but nothing even held a candle to the Longhorns.  That was until I realized that maybe it wasn't for me.  Back then it had nothing to do with sports either, it was more about finding a place where I fit the best.  And for me that place was in College Station...at a school I should've snubbed my nose at based on the name alone.  Lucky for me I had parents who wanted the best for their kids, no matter what.  It wasn't until I was fully immersed in the Aggie culture and traditions that I truly became a college sports fan.  Not that I had much to cheer for, we were pretty mediocre (bad) at football during my 5 years at A&M.  But I yelled anyway.  And I stood to support my team.  All the while trying to respect the achievements of our rivals in Austin (with the exception of games played around Thanksgiving every year).

For the most part I think I was pretty fair...I was ok with being in a conference that sent a team to the national championship game every couple of years.  At least that's what I told myself anyway.  And for a while that logic was ok...but then the playing field changed. 

It wasn't until Nebraska and Colorado left that I realized the problems we were facing.  Or maybe I just chose to ignore them as long as I could.  Sure there were 2 schools (yes I said 2) that got most of the attention in our conference, but isn't that because they were winning?  And isn't that how it should be?  That's what I thought anyway. But it seems over the past few years things have started to change. Teams have been thrust into the spotlight for a number of reasons that don't involve winning games (see North Carolina and Miami).  There are also the teams that choose to have the spotlight shine on them.  And I think this is where the bigger problem comes into play. 

We all want to be the best (whether we openly admit it or not).  Constantly having the spotlight shine on someone else gets old and sometimes we do things, smart or otherwise, to bring it back to us.  What this has meant lately is instead of trying to maintain strong traditions and build upon the relationships at your disposal, you decide to look out for #1.  This doesn't just apply to Texas (and their network) either.  Nebraska and Colorado were looking out for themselves when they decided to leave last year...they both wanted a bigger piece of the spotlight.  And the same can be said for A&M this year as well.  We feel like it's our time to shine...take our talents to a place where we feel they'll be more appreciated.  Note I didn't say more prominent.

So who's really to blame?  That's what we're all looking for isn't it?  Someone to blame it on.  Something that makes us feel better about things not working out the way we hoped they would.  Most won't admit that this divorce is going to be painful, but it is, especially if losing our rivalry with the Longhorns is a side effect.  And like any couple that splits, we'll both move on with our lives.  But it doesn't mean that occasionally we won't look back longingly and wonder what could've been if things were different. 

With that said I am proud to be an Aggie and wholeheartedly support the decisions being made.  I am both excited and scared for the road ahead, it will be an uphill battle and I hope that we can step up to the plate.  All I have left to say is I can't wait for the road trips!!

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

Most of you who know me probably know that my favorite guilty pleasure is a little reality tv franchise known as The Bachelor (and also The Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad).  For some reason, even though I know it usually doesn't work out in the end, I just can't stop watching.  I confess that I did miss the first couple of seasons (and possibly one or two others along the way...cough cough Byron), but for the most part I am a loyal viewer. 

Now if you know me well then you probably also know that I am a bit of a skeptic when it comes to fairytale endings in real life.  Some may call that being bitter or cynical, but I prefer to think of it as being a realist.  Hear me out before you navigate away...even a skeptic can be proven wrong every now and again. 

So on Monday night I was actually quite annoyed with myself because I forgot to set up my DVR to record the current season of Bachelor Pad (little did I know the best part was yet to come).  I flipped over just in time to see Chris Harrison announce that 2 girls would be eliminated this week and the ensuing strategy/drama as a result of this shocking announcement.  At the rose ceremony we all knew it would come down to either Ella or Jackie getting the boot (yes I am actually blogging about this show)...and luckily Ella made a last minute alliance that kept her safe for one more week.  Alas, it was Jackie who had to leave.  And for those of you who haven't been watching this season Jackie had been getting to know sweet Ames while in the house of crazy.  What happened after she learned she would be leaving shocked me (in a good way) and was possibly the best/sweetest/most romantic thing I've ever seen on any season of The Bachelor franchise.  That's saying a lot after 15 seasons of the Bachelor, 7 seasons of The Bachelorette and 1 season of Bachelor Pad.  The clip below speaks for itself...I know it's a little long, but watch and I promise you'll know what I'm talking about.

When I first saw Ames on the most recent season of The Bachelorette, he seemed like a very smart but very vanilla guy.  And then as he started getting more camera time I grew to love his charm and clever wit, he really was quite funny.  So I was a bit surprised when I learned he was going to be on Bachelor Pad...because let's be honest, nice people don't really stand much of a chance on that show.  And as I watched the scene above unfold on Monday night, it made me realize that maybe there are knights in shining armor still out there.  I've watched it a couple of times since then as well (is that weird?) and I can barely hold back the tears. 

Tears.  Over a silly reality tv show.  But it isn't the show that got to me, it's the fact that deep down we all (women) want what we claim not to need.  A man who loves us and is willing to fight, or in this case give up a shot at $250k, for us.  And to be honest I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 

So thanks for the reminder Ames...even this skeptic was convinced (if only for a moment) that there is someone out there willing to fight for me.  Until then I'll be patiently waiting for my red pants wearing knight in shining armor. 

"I have run, I have crawled, I have scaled these city walls, these city walls, only to be with you...but I still haven't found what I'm looking for..." U2

This modern love, is not enough...

2 posts in one week...really?  Who am I?   It is quite possible that due to intense summer heat I may be a little crazier than usual...or maybe I'm just stir crazy! 

A few evenings over the past couple of weeks I have spent some time looking for new and interesting blogs to read online.  I stumbled upon some that have literally brought me to tears and others that have given me a lot to think about.  I tend to find what people have to say very interesting (I've always loved to read).  It can be so very personal and yet most are willing to share with anyone who cares to read it. 

I have become especially fond of reading tidbits from one of my favorite authors, Don Miller.  Over the past 6 years or so I have read most, if not all, of his published books...even read some of them a couple of times.  But it wasn't until recently that I discovered his blog/website.  I assumed he, like most authors, had a website where you could find info on his next speaking engagement or list of books he's written.  What I found was something so much more direct and personal.  And I really appreciate that because I've always found his books to be very relatable, at least to me and my life anyway. 

As I was scrolling through some of his previous posts I came across one about a list his fiancee had once put together of all the things she was looking for in a man.  So of course I had to read it.  People always talk about these magical lists, but before that I'm not sure I'd ever seen anyone's personal list.  And as much as I like to think I keep a running list in my head, I had never actually taken the time to put it on paper.  But after reading through his post and her list I felt like it was something I really needed to do.  Sounds pretty silly right? 

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that there's nothing wrong with having a list of qualities you think a man should possess.  I hope that a man would also find it ok to have this same type of list for a woman.  To put it in Don Miller's words, "What is great about creating a list like this is it gives a single person a filter through which to weed out candidates that don’t fit."  Amen.  Needless to say I started a list.  Largely based off what his fiancee had written for herself...I found that we had a lot of similarities in what we were both looking for, and it was a great place to start.  Scary as it is, I am putting it out there for everyone to see.  Maybe it will help people understand why I have never been one to simply date someone for the sake of going on dates.  Some call it picky, I call it taking my time.  Without further ado... 

The List:

I want someone who…

- loves God with his whole heart

- loves his family (and mine)

- wants to talk to me every day, 30 times a day if that’s what he/I need

- can’t wait to see me again

- is always thinking about me

- surprises me, in good ways from the little to the big

- plans dates for me

- follows through on what he says he’s going to do

- is consistent in his actions and behavior

- doesn’t disappear

- reassures me of his feelings for me with his actions and words

- wants the whole world to know how he feels about me, isn’t afraid to show it or say it

- puts me first, after God

- is not afraid of my sensitivities, scars and brokenness but wants to be a part of healing them

- always makes time for me no matter what else is going on

- pursues me

- isn’t afraid to challenge me

- makes me laugh and can find joy in the simple things

Simple enough right?  Sure...28 years in and still waiting for God to reveal that person to me.  But I know he will be worth every second of the wait!  And with that...I leave you for the night.  I hope that you know you deserve someone that meets all of the criteria on your list!

Let's see how far we've come...

I really meant to post this a few weeks ago, but things have been a little chaotic lately and well...at least I'm doing it now!

June 25th was a big (and busy) Saturday for me.  It started off with a 1st birthday party celebrating the cutest baby in the whole world...not that I'm biased at all! 

I mean how can you not love that face?  The party was full of family and friends celebrating a little girl that is more loved than she yet knows.  Watching her grow and being a part of her story has given me such joy over the past year. 

After the party it was time for lunch (yes the party was at 10 am).  Because it was a special weekend, high school reunion and all, one of our friends was nice enough to organize a lunch with a few of us that have grown up together and one very special guest. 

12 1/2 years ago we lost a sweet friend.  And so as we gathered together to celebrate 10 years full of college, careers, and family, it seemed only right to include someone whose son should have been there with us, and certainly was in spirit.  It was truly great to see everyone "all grown up".  Though it didn't really feel like much time had passed at all.  Funny how we all come back together and things seem to pick up right where they left off.  One of the things I love about these people.

Even though it was only a brief time together, it was so nice to catch up and laugh and share stories from our lives. 

After lunch I rushed home to shower, do my hair, get dressed and head over to the Kinson casa for a little pre-reunion get together.  I had organized some time for a group of us to hang out and catch up before the big shin-dig.  And I am so glad we made it happen, it was one of the many highlights of the day. 

The reunion itself was a lot more fun than I expected it to be.  Perhaps I had somewhat low expectations going in, or maybe I had just been so busy earlier in the day that I didn't have time to over-think it all.  Either way, I had a great time!  For the most part people seemed to have moved past the high school gossipy ways...which I was very thankful for...and all in all it was lovely to hang out with people I hadn't seen in far too long. 

Overall a pretty fantastic day.  Definitely worth a bruised knee and lost voice the next day.  I can't wait to see what God has in store for me and my family and friends over the next 10 years...one day at a time!

Life's a dance you learn as you go...

How has it already been 4 months since I moved here?  Where has the time gone?  Sometimes I think I get so caught up in the whirlwind of life I forget to stop and take a moment to appreciate everything I have been blessed with lately. 

A lot has happened over the past 3 months since I last blogged...mostly with my job (don't worry I haven't moved or changed companies again).  The job I was hired to do has kind of taken on a whole different form than what it was when I first started.  Which may have always been a part of the plan mind you, but I'm pretty certain it won't stop changing anytime soon either!  Whether that's good or bad is yet to be seen.  I have gotten to experience some pretty cool things since I've been there...going to the NCAA Men's National Championship basketball game in Houston being the biggest so far...and I am looking forward to football season starting up so I can hopefully go to games at some of our properties!  For once I feel like I am doing something that really plays to my strengths...working with numbers, people, and in a small, family-like environment (oh yeah the whole college sports thing doesn't hurt either).  But there have been some tough moments too...and I'm sure more of those to come...all part of having a lot of responsibilities on your plate I guess.  It isn't always easy being the same age as (or younger than) a lot of the people you work with and having to be the "boss" sometimes too.  I am thankful that I am a person who handles change and chaos somewhat well though, because things have been so crazy the entire 4 months I've been at my job that I don't know how I would've survived otherwise.  Maybe moving all over the place and changing jobs a couple of times isn't such a bad thing after all! :)

As far as everything else goes...things have been fairly calm lately.  I spend a lot of my weekends with the fam or hanging out with friends (here or there) and trying to survive the already scorching Texas summer heat. 

The biggest thing coming up in the next few weeks is my 10 year high school reunion.  Scary right?  I still can't believe it's been that long already! It really seems like just yesterday I was walking through the AHHS halls, hanging out in the west parking lot, and trying to find my way through the teenage years.  Makes college seem pretty far gone as well.  I am excited to see some people that I grew up with and haven't had the chance to run into or catch up with over the past few years...but I think I am more interested to see who actually comes (since I know a quite few people don't live around here anymore)!  I'm sure it will be fun reminiscing over things we think are long forgotten...maybe I should bust out the yearbooks for old times sake.  Just kidding.  I have no idea where those even are these days! I guess I'll have to report back after the big shin dig and let you know how it went.  Though having it at Joe T's guarantees at least the drinks will be good!

Boy wise (something I usually don't talk about on here)...things always seem to become more complicated the older we get.  Especially because a lot of us are really committed to working hard at our jobs...no matter the amount of overtime or traveling required...and that can sometimes cause us to put our relationships on hold.  Not the easiest thing to do, but I think you just kind of get used to it after a while.  And even though I try to live with a "life's too short" mentality, it doesn't always translate into every aspect of my life.  I am trying to go with the flow and let the bigger plan God has for my life guide me in the right direction, which is definitely not easy for a stubborn/independent person who likes to plan things! 

So I guess that's me in a nutshell right now.  Well I'm not literally in a nutshell, but you get the idea!

"Life's a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow, don't worry about what you don't know, life's a dance you learn as you go..."

Another time, another town, another everything...

I've been meaning to update the blog for a few weeks now, but as you can probably imagine I've been a little busy!  Trying to get settled in at both work and the new apartment has taken up a considerable amount of my time since arriving back in Dallas. 

It's kind of like deja vu being back...though obviously things are quite different this time around.  I still live in the same part of town that I did before, but am much less interested in the uptown scene these days and wasn't nearly as concerned with living in the most happening or fanciest apartment complex.  This time it was all about what worked for me and Ella and was convenient enough to get to work.  And even though its taken quite a bit of work (from both me and the maintenance guys) to get it into the kind of shape I wanted...it is really starting to look like home!  Of course there are still boxes to unpack and things to be hung...in time it will all get done. It's only been 5 weeks after all!

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared to move back here.  I was always the person who quickly corrected people when they asked if I lived in Dallas...bragging about living in Austin or just simply explaining that Dallas and Fort Worth are 2 very different places.  And a lot of people were surprised that I would want to move back to Dallas after trying to be anywhere but here the past few years.  To be honest if the drive to work was manageable from Fort Worth I would live there...but there's no way I want to sit in the car for over an hour each way everyday. 

All in all it really hasn't been so bad thus far. Granted I am older (and presumably wiser) now...and I have no interest in being part of the "Dallas" crowd....but I think coming into the move with different expectations has helped a lot too.  Knowing that I would probably spend a lot of my free time over in Fort Worth with the fam and friends didn't hurt either.  That's not to say the first couple of weeks here weren't challenging as I tried to adjust...it was all a little overwhelming without any kind of transition time in between the move and starting the new job...but I think I handled it the best I could and finally feel like I am settling in to a routine. 

So do I regret my decision to change jobs and cities?  Absolutely not.  I feel like I am exactly where I need to be right now.  Does that mean everything is perfect?  No...but it never will be and I don't expect it to either.  What I do know is that every second I get to spend with my family, and sweet little Ellery in particular, is what makes all of the adjustments and moving worthwhile.  And that, to me, is priceless. 

"In a way, I need a change from this burnout scene, another time, another town, another everything, but it's always back to you...stumble out in the night from the pouring rain, made the block, sat and thought there's more I need, it's always back to you...how many times can I break til I shatter, over the line, can't define what I'm after, I always turn the car around...give me a break let me make my own pattern, all that it takes is some time but I'm shattered, I always turn the car around..."  OAR