You pull me closer to love...

It's funny as you head into your late 20's the way people view being single.  Its almost like they see it as less of a choice and more of a desperate situation.  Which I just find amusing really.  That's not to say some people in their mid to late 20's wouldn't rather be in a relationship, but it doesn't mean that all of us are sitting around miserable because we aren't.  I've gotten asked (more times than I can count) why I'm still single or why I don't really date much.  What am I supposed to say to this?  There's the expected "I just haven't found the right person yet" or the "it'll happen when it's supposed to"...why not say "I just haven't felt like I'm missing out on anything by being single"?  Who wants to hear you say,"I've been hurt so many times I just don't want to risk it right now?"  Neither of those are the answers people expect.  And I know they're just trying to be reassuring, but sometimes it's just really frustrating. 

I get it.  I'm 27, single, and I live in Texas.  In Denver it was much less noticeable amidst a sea of young, single people.   Maybe that's why I never really let the questions get to me.  Or was never really that concerned about my love (or lack there of) life.  But now it seems to be a hot topic of discussion.  And I get that too...a lot of my friends are getting married and having babies...which is great, I'm just not there yet. 

That's not to say I don't want all of those things someday...I do...but I'm not worried that it hasn't happened yet.  I've had some great opportunities that I may not have taken advantage of if I was married or trying to start a family.  I wouldn't trade my two years in Denver or my ability to change jobs and move around the country for anything.  I've loved it.  Doesn't mean there haven't been parts of my journey that would've been nice to share with someone, or that I didn't have love and hurt along the way...it's just a part of my story.  A story that is still being written and is by no means lacking in the love department.  I have an awesome family and great friends that have provided me with so much love over the years that I haven't really had a void to fill. 

The best part is I feel like all of the experiences I've had along the way have made me so much more open to loving someone and being loved in return.  All the hurts, hangups, and risks have brought me where I am today.  And I wouldn't change any of it. 

"Oh it's your light, oh it's your way, pull me out of the dark just to show me the way, cryin' out now from so far away...you pull me closer to love, closer to love..." Mat Kearney

Bags fly free?

I know it's been a while since I've written...been in somewhat of a blogging drought I suppose.  That or I have too many things running around in my head to sort into words.  Probably more of the latter these days. 

It's been a weird couple of months to say the least.  And somehow it seems in the blink of an eye time has come and gone yet again.  How has it already been four months since precious Ellery was born?  And almost three without Granny?  Isn't it strange that no matter how frozen we may be in a moment, life continues to swirl all around us?  If only there was a way to stop it...even just briefly.  Clearly I know this is impossible and probably silly to even think about...but you can't blame a girl for dreaming. 

What I've been realizing lately is that we all carry baggage with us.  It comes in different shapes, sizes, colors, weights, etc...but we all have it.  Some people might consider them scars more than baggage, war wounds if you will, but I think it's pretty much all the same.  And it can be anything.  Doesn't have to be a bad relationship with an ex or a family member necessarily...it can be something as simple as losing someone you love or losing a job or moving across the country.  It isn't always bad baggage either. 

The question becomes...is there such a thing as too much baggage?  Or as we get older do we get charged for the extra baggage we accumulate?  Maybe its evaluated on a person by person basis...some baggage outweighs others depending on what we can each handle...there shouldn't be an automatic scale that charges you extra once you exceed fifty pounds.  I know for me there are types of baggage I may not be prepared to handle...and probably baggage I carry around with me that other people may not be capable of handling, but I like to think that I wouldn't immediately evaluate a person based on what kind or how much baggage someone has. 

But what I've really begun to understand is that these scars make us more beautiful. The damage done by love, loss, and life turns us into these weathered, weary people that shouldn't be afraid to show off what we've been through.  Embrace the imperfections...be honest about who we are and the mistakes we've made...love that in our weaknesses we are made stronger. 

Most importantly, just love.  Its the things we carry that make us who we are and in my opinion more lovable.

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

Here I am Lord...

Naomi Bryant Duban

1915 - 2010

This blog post is nothing more than a tribute to one of the most beautiful, God fearing, loving women I was blessed to know.  For the past twenty seven years she was the matriarch of our family as I know it.  And in an instant, that all changed.  

I have been trying to gather my thoughts over the past few days, but how can you put into words a woman whose life was so intricately entwined with your own? I try to remember the funny things...the "Grannyisms" if you will.  Those little sayings that fill all of the memories I have.  And remember the smiles and laughter.  Not the sadness that drifts in and out these days.  Sometimes it will just hit me out of nowhere.  And I know its selfish to want more time or to think about the moments I missed out on...but right now I just can't help it.  Anyway...enough about me.  One day at a time is the best I can do for now. 

The title of this blog is an old Catholic hymn that I remember singing at Granny's during the rosary she used to have at her house.  At the time it was such a somber, mellow song.  But now its what I hear when I think about her.  And it brought me to tears when it was played at her service.  Though it also makes me chuckle because we used to dread going down to say the rosary with Granny and her friends.  It always seemed to last forever too...and in reality its only around 20 minutes.  But it was her passion and her calling.  And no matter how embarrassing it was for her to pass out rosaries from the plastic bag in her purse, its something I respect and love her for even more as I think about it. 

She was a light in a world full of darkness, a breath of fresh air when you were struggling to breathe, and a symbol of love and faith to everyone who was lucky enough to know her.  I don't know if there are words to adequately describe how much we will all miss her...but I know that she is rejoicing in Heaven and we will someday be together again. 

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you. The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory. Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end." Isaiah 60:1;19-20

She is love...

Ellery Jane Timmerman

Born June 24, 2010 at 1:00 pm

7 pounds 1 ounce, 19 inches

She is truly the most beautiful baby I have ever gotten to hold (and love on).  I may be a little biased I know, but I just can't help it!  Who knew it was possible to love someone so much having just met them.   

Isn't it amazing how life has come full circle in just a year?  Last week before Miss E arrived, I was having trouble putting it into words.  And even now as I sit here thinking about how things have changed, the words just don't seem to come.  Through all the tears and prayers and worrying, you just can't fathom how faithful God is until you hold that precious little angel in your arms. 

He is faithful. 

Worthy of love...

Tonight as I watch the makeover episode of Biggest Loser I am constantly reminded how much we are told we're not worthy.  Worthy of love...worthy of life...worthy of anything.  This show always gets to me.  Because I truly believe it changes lives.  For the better.  These people are at the end of their rope so to speak...they have no other options besides dying a slow, obese death, full of disease and sadness. 

And in a way I know what that's like.  Not the obesity part necessarily.  But to feel like you're not worthy.  I'm sure we've all felt like that at different points in our lives.  And it's a terrible feeling.  To feel like no matter what you do or who you're surrounded by, you're still not worthy.  Or that something you've done has prevented you from deserving worthiness.  Whether its weight or whatever else...there are so many things that cause this feeling within us. 

But no matter what...it's all rooted in sin. We're all sinners.  We know that.  We were told that from the very beginning.  We've all fallen short. 

Even better though...we've been redeemed.  And we ARE worthy.

Tonight's Biggest Loser overwhelmingly reminded me of that.  These people are just as worthy as me of living a happy and healthy life.  No matter what they've struggled with in the past.   And I love seeing them have this revelation.  It's not always during makeover week...but it always happens.  At some point they just recognize it within themselves.  They are worthy. 

And so am I.  Even though its something I seem to be struggling with right now.  It's not like I realized it while I was watching the show tonight...but its something that's been building up over the past few weeks.  Am I truly worthy of being loved?  The way I deserve.  The way I was meant to be loved?  The answer is yes.  I am worthy. I just have to recognize it within myself. 

This comes from one of my favorite songs from a few years ago...and tonight it's all I seem to be singing in my head.

"I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe, look inside my heart, and be amazed...I want to hear you say, who I am is quite enough, just want to be worthy of love, and beautiful..." Bethany Dillon

Time, is going by, so much faster than I...

Sometimes it's really hard to grasp how quickly time passes.  But I feel like on several occasions recently I have come face to face with this reality.  And its not necessarily a bad thing, just kind of strange.

A couple of weeks ago my sister and mom ran into the family we used to babysit for in high school.  The little girls we used to take to dance and pick up from kindergarten are now in high school   And the boys are in college...one almost done.  It was enough to make me stop and calculate just how long it had been.  Ten years.  Wow.  I didn't even realize it had been so long.  And then when I went home for the weekend we saw another girl I used to coach in swim team and babysit for...also quite grown up.  I was amazed.  It made me feel so old!  Not that growing up is bad...its a part of life...sometimes I just forget how "grown up" I really am. 

And today was another mile marker.  It has officially been one year since my whole life (and world) changed.  And to be honest it was a tough day for me.  I know it's all in the past and no matter how much I wish things could have been different, I can't go back and change them.  But its hard not to look back and feel sad about how everything unfolded.  To say I miss the people who were a part of that life is a huge understatement.  I feel like a piece of me is still there with them.  And maybe it always will be...which is more than ok with me.  Just makes it a little harder to move forward.  I know when I go visit in a few weeks it will be next to impossible to leave again.  But I trust that there is a purpose in everything that has happened and is happening in my life.  And I am so grateful for the friends I have here (both at work and outside of)...I'm not sure I could've made it through the day without them to cheer me up!  

More than anything it made me once again aware of time.  And how in the blink of an eye everything can change.  It made me think that just for a while I wish I could slow things down and enjoy the little moments more.  The ones you look back on that make you smile.  I know there are more of those moments to come, but it's nice to appreciate the ones that have already come and gone every once in a while. 

So here I am again...feeling nostalgic.  On one of those days where it can't be avoided.  All I can say is I have so many moments to thankful and grateful for.  And faithful to know the ones to come are just as great (if not greater)!  Just need to allow myself to slow down and enjoy them.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..."  Ecclesiastes 3:1

Change is gonna come...

Change. A word we've heard so often over the past two years. Probably most notably with the current President's political campaign...but in so many other contexts as well. People promise change...companies promise change...seems like the whole world is promising change these days. Not to say that change is a bad thing. But it is what it is...something different.

Over the past year in my life I have experienced more change than I could've possibly imagined. I won't reiterate everything I've been through. I'd like to leave a lot of it where it belongs...in the past. But I think recently I've felt more affected by change than I did before.

I think this is to be expected moving to a new city and starting a new job. I guess I thought I was well versed enough with change that it wouldn't be an issue. But one thing I've learned is that you can't control how things affect you. Much like we can't control a lot of things we wish we could. Part of the humbling experience of life.

When I moved to Denver I think I was ready for change. With this move I'm not so sure. Obviously I was really excited about coming to Austin and getting a job...but I think a big piece of me was still in Denver. I don't think I realized how much I would miss the friends I made while I was there until it was certain I wouldn't be going back. And I know I can always go back to visit...but it's just not the same. That's not to say I don't have some great friends in the Austin area, because I certainly do...our lives are just different now.

I think the word I'm looking for is struggling. That's what I feel like I've been doing since I got here. Struggling to adjust to a totally new job. Struggling to build a life in a city I love but don't know as well as I thought. Struggling to see God's purpose in all of this. Struggling with change. Simply struggling.

And that is a tough thing for me to admit. Probably a tough thing for most people to admit. But it's the truth.

I never thought after working so hard (for what seemed like forever) at a job I took for granted that I would be back to square one. Back to being the low man on the totem pole. Back to being the new kid. Back to being the "first year" who is constantly asking questions trying to stay afloat. I knew it would be hard...just not this hard.

Don't get me wrong...I am so incredibly grateful to have this job. I know that it is truely rare to find another job where I am again surrounded by wonderful people (and lucky enough to be able to wear jeans whenever I want). Those things have made it a little easier. I know it's just going to take time. And patience. Sometimes it's hard to have faith in yourself, even when you know you are more than capable of catching up.

So that's where I am. In need of prayer while wading through a sea of change.