Sometimes I feel like the music I listen to has a theme to it. Or maybe it has to do with the day that I'm listening to it...maybe even the time of day. In the morning something more lively to wake me up as I drive...and in the evening something to calm me down as I fight through traffic and reflect on the day. Weekends are pretty much free game. And I realized today, as I was driving around, that some of the songs I was listening to centered around strength. Perhaps even the lack there of.
Which made me reflect into my own life of course. Music has a way of doing that to me sometimes.
And then I got to thinking...I've always considered myself a "strong" person. I don't necessarily mean physically strong either. More so emotionally and spiritually (or mentally) strong. I'm not trying to be arrogant or anything, but I like to think it is an attribute I was blessed with. Whether it's being a shoulder to cry on during the tough times, holding my head high when things don't go my way, or even venturing out into the unknown...it just seemed to come naturally to me. Or it used to anyway.
A person can only be so strong really.
Over the past 26 years I have experienced so much. A lot of life, an overwhelming amount of laughter and love, and sadly a fair share of loss. It hasn't always been easy to stay strong...we all have moments of weakness...and other moments where strength is the last thing someone needs. And today I was thinking that maybe I'm not so strong anymore. The last year has really taken a toll on my personal strength in some ways.
I think my emotional strength has been affected the most. That's not to say I never showed emotion before or lacked passion in the things I did...but I feel like I've become overly emotional lately. And it's not really a bad thing, just different. The smallest things can bring tears to my eyes these days. Hearing a song in a different way...witnessing a life changing moment...receiving a text message full of good news...but more so the things in my life where I feel like I'm making wrong decisions.
I know we all make choices or do things we aren't always sure of or may look back on and see differently later on...and I am a firm believer that everything happens or has happened for a reason...but sometimes it's hard to see the strength in those decisions. I have always felt like I am at my weakest when I am in the midst of change. You may call it being vulnerable or tempted...but I tend to see a lot of it as weakness. I may give in too easily or do something I normally wouldn't during a more stable time in my life, but regardless, it happens to all of us I think. And when I was younger it was easier to bounce back...things didn't affect me the way they do now. Part of growing up I suppose. But each time it gets harder to regain my strength back after my emotions take some kind of blow.
So as I was thinking about all of this today, I realized it's ok to not be the strong person all the time. Maybe I'm just moving on to a different time in my life where I am learning to rely on others (especially God) for my strength. Not to say I haven't always depended on my family and friends for support...but I'm not sure I ever really turned to God when I was truly weak. Of course I always knew He was there, no matter what, but I think I relied on myself to get through it. And now I really know that I can't do it on my own. It is both humbling and a blessing.
Then I remembered a verse that I used to love reading when I was feeling weak. So as I continue my battle to find balance between strength and weakness, I leave you with this...
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinithians 12:9
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Always...
This isn't really a blog post as much as it is the lyrics from one of my new favorite songs. I have loved Switchfoot since I first heard them many years ago, and was again reminded of why I love their music when I heard this beautiful song. I wanted to add it to my playlist, but it wasn't available sadly. So for now all I can do is post the lyrics and a link to YouTube where you can hear the song. It is simple, yet powerful. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.
Always by Switchfoot
"This is the start, this is your heart
This is the day you were born
This is the sun, these are your lungs
This is the day you were born
And I am always yours
These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn
And it is always yours
But I am always yours
Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance
And it is always yours
And I am always yours"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Hkjau8i-ck&feature=fvw
Always by Switchfoot
"This is the start, this is your heart
This is the day you were born
This is the sun, these are your lungs
This is the day you were born
And I am always yours
These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn
And it is always yours
But I am always yours
Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance
And it is always yours
And I am always yours"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Hkjau8i-ck&feature=fvw
Friday, January 8, 2010
A year in review...
I know this blog is a little out of order from the last post, but I feel like I really need to recap the past year in my life (and the lives that impact mine the most). And I really like the way Beth (sister) recapped their year...but I don't have a lot of pictures nor a timeline really, so I guess words will have to do.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
This has been my life verse for years, and I find no matter what is going on, it always brings me a certain amount of comfort. It's a constant reminder that God's plans for my life are so much greater than anything I could imagine. And I think for the first time in quite a while, it really hit home this past year.
2009 started off better than I expected with one of my best friends getting engaged (to another great friend of mine). This joyful celebration was soon followed by the very exciting news that I was going to be an aunt for the first time! Things just seemed to be going really well. I was beyond thrilled with all of the momentous life events unfolding around me. And so grateful to be a part of them. I loved picking out bridesmaid dresses online and laughing about funny wedding things and especially shopping for cute baby clothes and toys in preparation to spoil my first neice or nephew absolutely rotten.
But it wasn't long after that my world came crashing down around me. (Sidenote: it may be a little bumm-y from here on down)
It was never a part of my plans to be forced out of the only job I've ever known and into the depressing world that is unemployment.
It was never a part of my plans to lose a sweet friend in such a tragic way and much too soon.
It was never a part of my plans to watch my sister and brother in law experience such heartache and loss.
The funny thing about all of those statements is they all revolve around me and my plans. Which is how we always think things work right? Not so much. It is really humbling to be reminded that we're not in control of any of it. Humbling and eye opening.
The middle of 2009 is all kind of a blur as I look back on it now. It all seemed to happen so fast. And yet so slow at the same time. There was so much hurt and loss and sadness. But I think throughout it all, there was always hope. And faith. Hope that things would get better and faith that everything was happening with a purpose. Sometimes it's just hard to see it. You get so overcome with the negative things going on, it is easy to miss the positives.
I like to look at it this way...if I hadn't gotten laid off, I never would have been able to spend time with my family when we all needed it the most. If I hadn't experienced my sister losing a perfect little baby, I wouldn't be able to appreciate how precious and delicate life really is. If I hadn't moved home, I wouldn't have reconnected with old friends. The list really goes on and on.
And then it started to get better. Slowly. My friends got married in September. I moved back to Texas in November. My sister found out she is pregnant again. And finally I got a job.
That was pretty much my year in a nutshell. It started and ended well, but the middle was rough. And honestly I don't know that I would change any of it. I feel like everything I've been through this year has truly made me into a better and stronger person. It has solidified (and tested) my faith in more ways than I thought possible. So as I put 2009 behind me and look forward to 2010...I know that no matter what God has in store for me, I am ready for it.
So now I leave you with this quote...
"She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too..." Hope Floats
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
This has been my life verse for years, and I find no matter what is going on, it always brings me a certain amount of comfort. It's a constant reminder that God's plans for my life are so much greater than anything I could imagine. And I think for the first time in quite a while, it really hit home this past year.
2009 started off better than I expected with one of my best friends getting engaged (to another great friend of mine). This joyful celebration was soon followed by the very exciting news that I was going to be an aunt for the first time! Things just seemed to be going really well. I was beyond thrilled with all of the momentous life events unfolding around me. And so grateful to be a part of them. I loved picking out bridesmaid dresses online and laughing about funny wedding things and especially shopping for cute baby clothes and toys in preparation to spoil my first neice or nephew absolutely rotten.
But it wasn't long after that my world came crashing down around me. (Sidenote: it may be a little bumm-y from here on down)
It was never a part of my plans to be forced out of the only job I've ever known and into the depressing world that is unemployment.
It was never a part of my plans to lose a sweet friend in such a tragic way and much too soon.
It was never a part of my plans to watch my sister and brother in law experience such heartache and loss.
The funny thing about all of those statements is they all revolve around me and my plans. Which is how we always think things work right? Not so much. It is really humbling to be reminded that we're not in control of any of it. Humbling and eye opening.
The middle of 2009 is all kind of a blur as I look back on it now. It all seemed to happen so fast. And yet so slow at the same time. There was so much hurt and loss and sadness. But I think throughout it all, there was always hope. And faith. Hope that things would get better and faith that everything was happening with a purpose. Sometimes it's just hard to see it. You get so overcome with the negative things going on, it is easy to miss the positives.
I like to look at it this way...if I hadn't gotten laid off, I never would have been able to spend time with my family when we all needed it the most. If I hadn't experienced my sister losing a perfect little baby, I wouldn't be able to appreciate how precious and delicate life really is. If I hadn't moved home, I wouldn't have reconnected with old friends. The list really goes on and on.
And then it started to get better. Slowly. My friends got married in September. I moved back to Texas in November. My sister found out she is pregnant again. And finally I got a job.
That was pretty much my year in a nutshell. It started and ended well, but the middle was rough. And honestly I don't know that I would change any of it. I feel like everything I've been through this year has truly made me into a better and stronger person. It has solidified (and tested) my faith in more ways than I thought possible. So as I put 2009 behind me and look forward to 2010...I know that no matter what God has in store for me, I am ready for it.
So now I leave you with this quote...
"She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too..." Hope Floats
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
An Aggie in Austin...
So the (new) journey begins! Yay!!
Just two days ago I got in my car and drove about 200 miles south on I-35 to the beautiful city of Austin. Or as I like to think of it...the Denver of the south. Silly I know.
I decided to move down about a week early so I had a little more time to get settled and get some things done before I head back into the real world. Like getting my car registered in Texas...and subsequently inspected. Or setting up my new (and awesome Christmas present) membership to 24 hour fitness. Things to be done in the next couple of days.
My plan was to get everything organized yesterday...well at least to get all of the clothes out of my car anyway. But apparently my stomach had other plans for me. Sadly I was awoken in the early hours of Monday morning with a pretty bad case of what I think was food poisoning. And let me tell you there is nothing I despise more than having an upset stomach. It is physically exhausting and honestly just disgusting. Ha, sorry for that. So I pretty much laid around the house and slept on and off yesterday. Drank some gatorade and avoided food for the most part. Good times right there.
Another damper on my day yesterday was a phone call that I received in the evening from my HR contact at the new company. She called to tell me that they got all of my paperwork in and everything but there was a problem with my drug test. And before she told me what the problem was...I was baffled. I mean I think I'm about as drug free as you can get. Apparently the test was negative but showed that I was "over-hydrated"...which basically makes it invalid. As soon as she said that I was really quite upset...because the fantastic people that run the testing facility in Fort Worth insisted that I drink lots of water there before I tested to make sure I had enough of a sample. I mean really...over-hydrated? And she also told me that if something like this happened again then they would retract my offer. It was a little shocking.
Thankfully today I woke up feeling like myself and was allowed to retake my drug test (an oral swab this time) at the company. And I passed (duh). So today has definitely been an improvement over yesterday. I even got a huge chunk of unpacking done as well! Way to go me! Haha. Just need to continue the productivity the rest of the week and weekend.
But it is a little bit scary to be starting over again...new city, new job, new chapter in my life. Obviously exciting too. Still scary though. Especially since I have been not working for quite a while now. Not that I think I won't be motivated or anything like that, but it's something totally different than what I've been doing for the past few years and I know it's going to be hard at first. Just have to have faith in myself and my abilities. And be thankful for the opportunity that's been given to me!!
So many things to look forward to over the next few weeks. 2010 is definitely looking like a great year so far!!
Just two days ago I got in my car and drove about 200 miles south on I-35 to the beautiful city of Austin. Or as I like to think of it...the Denver of the south. Silly I know.
I decided to move down about a week early so I had a little more time to get settled and get some things done before I head back into the real world. Like getting my car registered in Texas...and subsequently inspected. Or setting up my new (and awesome Christmas present) membership to 24 hour fitness. Things to be done in the next couple of days.
My plan was to get everything organized yesterday...well at least to get all of the clothes out of my car anyway. But apparently my stomach had other plans for me. Sadly I was awoken in the early hours of Monday morning with a pretty bad case of what I think was food poisoning. And let me tell you there is nothing I despise more than having an upset stomach. It is physically exhausting and honestly just disgusting. Ha, sorry for that. So I pretty much laid around the house and slept on and off yesterday. Drank some gatorade and avoided food for the most part. Good times right there.
Another damper on my day yesterday was a phone call that I received in the evening from my HR contact at the new company. She called to tell me that they got all of my paperwork in and everything but there was a problem with my drug test. And before she told me what the problem was...I was baffled. I mean I think I'm about as drug free as you can get. Apparently the test was negative but showed that I was "over-hydrated"...which basically makes it invalid. As soon as she said that I was really quite upset...because the fantastic people that run the testing facility in Fort Worth insisted that I drink lots of water there before I tested to make sure I had enough of a sample. I mean really...over-hydrated? And she also told me that if something like this happened again then they would retract my offer. It was a little shocking.
Thankfully today I woke up feeling like myself and was allowed to retake my drug test (an oral swab this time) at the company. And I passed (duh). So today has definitely been an improvement over yesterday. I even got a huge chunk of unpacking done as well! Way to go me! Haha. Just need to continue the productivity the rest of the week and weekend.
But it is a little bit scary to be starting over again...new city, new job, new chapter in my life. Obviously exciting too. Still scary though. Especially since I have been not working for quite a while now. Not that I think I won't be motivated or anything like that, but it's something totally different than what I've been doing for the past few years and I know it's going to be hard at first. Just have to have faith in myself and my abilities. And be thankful for the opportunity that's been given to me!!
So many things to look forward to over the next few weeks. 2010 is definitely looking like a great year so far!!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
An early Christmas present!!
This is truly the blog I have been waiting and dying to write for so many months now. And am SO excited to finally be typing it. Today I got the best early Christmas present I could've asked for...A JOB OFFER!!!!
And I really feel like it was pretty unexpected. For those of you I didn't talk to after my interview with this company last week...I left it feeling overwhelmed and a bit discouraged. I really felt like after 2 1/2 hours of talking with several different people, I wasn't what they were looking for. This is primarily a manufacturing company and I have almost zero experience within that industry. But I guess it was just the right job for me!! Guess I don't always know what's best do I? :)
Mostly I just want to say a big THANK YOU!! For all of the prayers, support, and encouragement you have all provided me over the past few months...I couldn't be more grateful! And I couldn't have made it through this really tough time without all of you either. But through it all, I always had faith that the right job was out there for me...somewhere. It may have taken longer than I thought, but God's timing is perfect right?
Just another blessing to celebrate this holiday season!!
Again...thank you! I feel so blessed to be surrounded with such love! And I am so excited for what God has in store for me!!
And I really feel like it was pretty unexpected. For those of you I didn't talk to after my interview with this company last week...I left it feeling overwhelmed and a bit discouraged. I really felt like after 2 1/2 hours of talking with several different people, I wasn't what they were looking for. This is primarily a manufacturing company and I have almost zero experience within that industry. But I guess it was just the right job for me!! Guess I don't always know what's best do I? :)
Mostly I just want to say a big THANK YOU!! For all of the prayers, support, and encouragement you have all provided me over the past few months...I couldn't be more grateful! And I couldn't have made it through this really tough time without all of you either. But through it all, I always had faith that the right job was out there for me...somewhere. It may have taken longer than I thought, but God's timing is perfect right?
Just another blessing to celebrate this holiday season!!
Again...thank you! I feel so blessed to be surrounded with such love! And I am so excited for what God has in store for me!!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
A day to give thanks...
I love Thanksgiving. And not just because it's a day filled with yummy food, great family and Aggie football. Though those are all contributing factors. I really love it because it is simply a day to be thankful.
I noticed a couple of weeks ago that one of the "popular" things to do on facebook this year was to be thankful for something different every day until Thanksgiving. Now normally I wouldn't jump on the facebook trend bandwagon, but this time I thought it was actually a neat thing to do. So for the past few days (I was a little late getting started) I have been thankful for so many things. Not in any particular order really, just whatever comes to mind or seems appropriate for the day. And they may seem silly or trivial to those who read them, but sometimes it is the little things that mean the most to me.
Here is a sample of what I'm so thankful for today: living in a country where I am free to worship as I please and speak without fear of punishment; the men and women who bravely give their lives to defend our freedom each and every day; a group of people I am not only honored to call my friends, but my family as well; a God that is merciful to love me no matter what; a family that is more incredible than words can properly describe; and a life that is full of more blessings and love than I could have ever imagined.
More specifically there are certain people out there who need to know how much they mean to me, not just today but everyday. First and foremost, my parents. Even though they don't read this, I hope they know that if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be anything close to the person I am today. I am so grateful for the love and support they've always given me, the education they provided that has opened so many doors, and more than anything just for being great examples of how to love each other and others. Second is my sister. I don't think I know anyone with more faith and strength to endure everything life throws her way. I couldn't ask for a better role model, whose footsteps I would be lucky to follow in. I hope she knows that I can't even put into words how much I love being her sister. Third is of course my brother. We may not always see eye to eye or even agree on much, but no matter what, I will always love and be so proud of him. As much as we've been through over the years, all I can hope for is that in some way I have been an example of unconditional love for him. And fourth are a certain couple of friends (who will remain anonymous but you know who you are). These are the people who are always there for me...when I am falling apart or to celebrate in my joys or any number of other things. And I am so grateful to have had them in my life for so long. It's not often that you find your best friends so young and can grow and change together over the years. I don't know what I would do without them.
And even if I didn't single you out, I hope you know as you read this that I am thankful for you. In whatever capacity you have been a part of my life, know that in some way you have touched me and I am so grateful for that. "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same." Anonymous
I noticed a couple of weeks ago that one of the "popular" things to do on facebook this year was to be thankful for something different every day until Thanksgiving. Now normally I wouldn't jump on the facebook trend bandwagon, but this time I thought it was actually a neat thing to do. So for the past few days (I was a little late getting started) I have been thankful for so many things. Not in any particular order really, just whatever comes to mind or seems appropriate for the day. And they may seem silly or trivial to those who read them, but sometimes it is the little things that mean the most to me.
Here is a sample of what I'm so thankful for today: living in a country where I am free to worship as I please and speak without fear of punishment; the men and women who bravely give their lives to defend our freedom each and every day; a group of people I am not only honored to call my friends, but my family as well; a God that is merciful to love me no matter what; a family that is more incredible than words can properly describe; and a life that is full of more blessings and love than I could have ever imagined.
More specifically there are certain people out there who need to know how much they mean to me, not just today but everyday. First and foremost, my parents. Even though they don't read this, I hope they know that if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be anything close to the person I am today. I am so grateful for the love and support they've always given me, the education they provided that has opened so many doors, and more than anything just for being great examples of how to love each other and others. Second is my sister. I don't think I know anyone with more faith and strength to endure everything life throws her way. I couldn't ask for a better role model, whose footsteps I would be lucky to follow in. I hope she knows that I can't even put into words how much I love being her sister. Third is of course my brother. We may not always see eye to eye or even agree on much, but no matter what, I will always love and be so proud of him. As much as we've been through over the years, all I can hope for is that in some way I have been an example of unconditional love for him. And fourth are a certain couple of friends (who will remain anonymous but you know who you are). These are the people who are always there for me...when I am falling apart or to celebrate in my joys or any number of other things. And I am so grateful to have had them in my life for so long. It's not often that you find your best friends so young and can grow and change together over the years. I don't know what I would do without them.
And even if I didn't single you out, I hope you know as you read this that I am thankful for you. In whatever capacity you have been a part of my life, know that in some way you have touched me and I am so grateful for that. "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same." Anonymous
As we prepare for a day full of feasting, great conversation, laughter and love, I hope that each us of remembers we have so much to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I will praise You in this storm...
When I was driving home a couple of weeks ago I was listening to the radio and Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns came on. Now mind you I was driving through a massive snow storm at the time. Oh the irony. But it was also indicative of what has been going on in my life.
The storm I have been weathering for the past few months may or may not be letting up. For the time being it seems to have lightened up a bit...but you never know what lies on the horizon. And for a couple of weeks it was pretty heavy. I ended up spending (wasting really) a lot of time with a company that ended up being yet another disappointment. Somewhere in there I also had a pretty rough case of viral pneumonia that took a couple of weeks to fully recover from. On top of it all, without any jobs prospects in sight, I was left no choice but to pack up my life and leave Denver in search of better things in Texas. Needless to say I was both physically and emotionally exhausted.
I always knew that leaving Denver was a very real possibility given the state of the economy in Colorado. But I guess I never thought I would have so much trouble finding a job in the first place, let alone be unemployed for several months without any real prospects. It was also very different this time because leaving Dallas was my choice. And while I suppose I could've stayed a little longer to continue my search, the benefits no longer outweighed the costs. Tough decisions had to be made and my decision was to come back home.
And believe me it wasn't an easy decision by any means. It felt like giving up on a life I put so much effort into building. But at the same time returning to a life I had sort of put on hold. Or something like that. I have made some great friends over the past couple of years in Denver, and while I know we'll still keep in touch, it's just not the same as seeing each other all the time. Though at the same time it is nice to be able to see my friends here on a more regular basis, for they are my other family. So it was bittersweet in a way. I know I can always go back and visit, but I also know that chapter in my life has come to an end.
So after a brief trip to Nashville (I'll save that for another blog) I find myself back in Texas, weathering the storm as best I can. All the while being thankful for the things I've been given and in prayer about the things that lie ahead.
The storm I have been weathering for the past few months may or may not be letting up. For the time being it seems to have lightened up a bit...but you never know what lies on the horizon. And for a couple of weeks it was pretty heavy. I ended up spending (wasting really) a lot of time with a company that ended up being yet another disappointment. Somewhere in there I also had a pretty rough case of viral pneumonia that took a couple of weeks to fully recover from. On top of it all, without any jobs prospects in sight, I was left no choice but to pack up my life and leave Denver in search of better things in Texas. Needless to say I was both physically and emotionally exhausted.
I always knew that leaving Denver was a very real possibility given the state of the economy in Colorado. But I guess I never thought I would have so much trouble finding a job in the first place, let alone be unemployed for several months without any real prospects. It was also very different this time because leaving Dallas was my choice. And while I suppose I could've stayed a little longer to continue my search, the benefits no longer outweighed the costs. Tough decisions had to be made and my decision was to come back home.
And believe me it wasn't an easy decision by any means. It felt like giving up on a life I put so much effort into building. But at the same time returning to a life I had sort of put on hold. Or something like that. I have made some great friends over the past couple of years in Denver, and while I know we'll still keep in touch, it's just not the same as seeing each other all the time. Though at the same time it is nice to be able to see my friends here on a more regular basis, for they are my other family. So it was bittersweet in a way. I know I can always go back and visit, but I also know that chapter in my life has come to an end.
So after a brief trip to Nashville (I'll save that for another blog) I find myself back in Texas, weathering the storm as best I can. All the while being thankful for the things I've been given and in prayer about the things that lie ahead.
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