Life's a dance you learn as you go...

How has it already been 4 months since I moved here?  Where has the time gone?  Sometimes I think I get so caught up in the whirlwind of life I forget to stop and take a moment to appreciate everything I have been blessed with lately. 

A lot has happened over the past 3 months since I last blogged...mostly with my job (don't worry I haven't moved or changed companies again).  The job I was hired to do has kind of taken on a whole different form than what it was when I first started.  Which may have always been a part of the plan mind you, but I'm pretty certain it won't stop changing anytime soon either!  Whether that's good or bad is yet to be seen.  I have gotten to experience some pretty cool things since I've been there...going to the NCAA Men's National Championship basketball game in Houston being the biggest so far...and I am looking forward to football season starting up so I can hopefully go to games at some of our properties!  For once I feel like I am doing something that really plays to my strengths...working with numbers, people, and in a small, family-like environment (oh yeah the whole college sports thing doesn't hurt either).  But there have been some tough moments too...and I'm sure more of those to come...all part of having a lot of responsibilities on your plate I guess.  It isn't always easy being the same age as (or younger than) a lot of the people you work with and having to be the "boss" sometimes too.  I am thankful that I am a person who handles change and chaos somewhat well though, because things have been so crazy the entire 4 months I've been at my job that I don't know how I would've survived otherwise.  Maybe moving all over the place and changing jobs a couple of times isn't such a bad thing after all! :)

As far as everything else goes...things have been fairly calm lately.  I spend a lot of my weekends with the fam or hanging out with friends (here or there) and trying to survive the already scorching Texas summer heat. 

The biggest thing coming up in the next few weeks is my 10 year high school reunion.  Scary right?  I still can't believe it's been that long already! It really seems like just yesterday I was walking through the AHHS halls, hanging out in the west parking lot, and trying to find my way through the teenage years.  Makes college seem pretty far gone as well.  I am excited to see some people that I grew up with and haven't had the chance to run into or catch up with over the past few years...but I think I am more interested to see who actually comes (since I know a quite few people don't live around here anymore)!  I'm sure it will be fun reminiscing over things we think are long forgotten...maybe I should bust out the yearbooks for old times sake.  Just kidding.  I have no idea where those even are these days! I guess I'll have to report back after the big shin dig and let you know how it went.  Though having it at Joe T's guarantees at least the drinks will be good!

Boy wise (something I usually don't talk about on here)...things always seem to become more complicated the older we get.  Especially because a lot of us are really committed to working hard at our jobs...no matter the amount of overtime or traveling required...and that can sometimes cause us to put our relationships on hold.  Not the easiest thing to do, but I think you just kind of get used to it after a while.  And even though I try to live with a "life's too short" mentality, it doesn't always translate into every aspect of my life.  I am trying to go with the flow and let the bigger plan God has for my life guide me in the right direction, which is definitely not easy for a stubborn/independent person who likes to plan things! 

So I guess that's me in a nutshell right now.  Well I'm not literally in a nutshell, but you get the idea!

"Life's a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow, don't worry about what you don't know, life's a dance you learn as you go..."

Another time, another town, another everything...

I've been meaning to update the blog for a few weeks now, but as you can probably imagine I've been a little busy!  Trying to get settled in at both work and the new apartment has taken up a considerable amount of my time since arriving back in Dallas. 

It's kind of like deja vu being back...though obviously things are quite different this time around.  I still live in the same part of town that I did before, but am much less interested in the uptown scene these days and wasn't nearly as concerned with living in the most happening or fanciest apartment complex.  This time it was all about what worked for me and Ella and was convenient enough to get to work.  And even though its taken quite a bit of work (from both me and the maintenance guys) to get it into the kind of shape I wanted...it is really starting to look like home!  Of course there are still boxes to unpack and things to be hung...in time it will all get done. It's only been 5 weeks after all!

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared to move back here.  I was always the person who quickly corrected people when they asked if I lived in Dallas...bragging about living in Austin or just simply explaining that Dallas and Fort Worth are 2 very different places.  And a lot of people were surprised that I would want to move back to Dallas after trying to be anywhere but here the past few years.  To be honest if the drive to work was manageable from Fort Worth I would live there...but there's no way I want to sit in the car for over an hour each way everyday. 

All in all it really hasn't been so bad thus far. Granted I am older (and presumably wiser) now...and I have no interest in being part of the "Dallas" crowd....but I think coming into the move with different expectations has helped a lot too.  Knowing that I would probably spend a lot of my free time over in Fort Worth with the fam and friends didn't hurt either.  That's not to say the first couple of weeks here weren't challenging as I tried to adjust...it was all a little overwhelming without any kind of transition time in between the move and starting the new job...but I think I handled it the best I could and finally feel like I am settling in to a routine. 

So do I regret my decision to change jobs and cities?  Absolutely not.  I feel like I am exactly where I need to be right now.  Does that mean everything is perfect?  No...but it never will be and I don't expect it to either.  What I do know is that every second I get to spend with my family, and sweet little Ellery in particular, is what makes all of the adjustments and moving worthwhile.  And that, to me, is priceless. 

"In a way, I need a change from this burnout scene, another time, another town, another everything, but it's always back to you...stumble out in the night from the pouring rain, made the block, sat and thought there's more I need, it's always back to you...how many times can I break til I shatter, over the line, can't define what I'm after, I always turn the car around...give me a break let me make my own pattern, all that it takes is some time but I'm shattered, I always turn the car around..."  OAR

Some other beginnings end...

It's funny really...the places life takes us.  One of my least favorite questions to be asked in an interview, or in any situation for that matter, is,"where do you see yourself in five years?"  Because I can tell you that my answer five years ago would be so far off the mark from where I am today.  Now I know the purpose of the question isn't to get me to predict the future or anything like that...more of a where would I like to be and what would I like to be doing sort of thing.  And I get that I guess.  But I really think life is too short to try to plan it so far in advance...and this coming from a person who loves to plan!  So it's always something I struggle to answer...do I simply make up a career path I could see myself possibly following or am I honest and say that I don't really want to know what the future holds? 

Two years ago I would have never predicted that I would be unemployed and eventually headed back to Texas.  And one year ago I never thought I would find myself in the place I'm in now...packing up and moving, yet again, this time back to the Big D (Dallas, not Denver).  Crazy right?  Maybe my nickname should be the nomad or something.  But what's life without a little adventure and change of scenery?

I have to say that the decision to leave Austin after such a short amount of time here was really difficult.  I have made some incredible friends, worked with some fabulous people, and won't be able to replace Wednesday trivia nights even if I tried.  But I was given an opportunity that I felt I just couldn't pass up at this point in my life.  And it may seem like a crazy big risk to be taking right now...uprooting my life, moving back to a city I voluntarily left three years ago, and taking a job in a field where I have absolutely no experience...but it just feels right.  I prayed and prayed about what to do and where to go...and I was really conflicted for a few days...all it really came down to was following my heart.  Not such an easy thing to do sometimes...especially when you're the one usually making the logical decisions and following your head over your heart.

So here I am...sitting at home blogging when I should probably be packing...or at least organizing to pack...on the cusp of a new beginning down another path.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited for this new adventure, but also a little sad to be leaving Austin (and the wonderful people here) behind.  But like Denver, I know I can always come back to visit this place I once called home. 

Maybe 2011 is the year of new adventures...only time will tell!  So for now I'm going to let the future unfold one day at a time...and sit back and enjoy the ride!

Letting go of all I've held onto...

I cannot believe that 2010 is already coming to a close.  This year has truly gone by so quickly.  It's like I blinked twice and it was gone.  Crazy. 

So as I was driving back to Austin today I started thinking about some "New Year's Resolutions".  And I really hate to call them that because we should be able to stop at any point in the year and resolve to change something.  But that's neither here nor there really.  Now I know most people typically choose to lose weight or workout more or give up caffeine, coffee or smoking even...and this isn't to say I don't need to work on a few of those myself...but I was trying to think of something a little less "trendy" if you will. 

And what I came up with is something I think I should continually work on and not just say as of 1/1/11 I'm going to be done with.  It is simply this: to let go of all the hurts, hang ups and heart break from my past (to the best of my ability of course, I am only human).  This doesn't mean I want to forget about some of those painful (growing) experiences...but it does mean I want to let them go.  And it's going to be really hard.  I'm sure there will be days where it will be a lot like trying to avoid caffeine...you just want one sip, one stroll down memory lane, to ease the headache. 

The big question is...what does this really mean?  What exactly am I giving up?  And right now it's hard to say what all it entails.  It may mean just un-friending some people on Facebook...deleting people from my phone...maybe even letting go of people who are a part of my life but have been a source of pain.  Or maybe it's as simple as not dwelling on certain situations and in turn not allowing them to affect my life now. 

But let's face it...I'm a girl...it's a part of our nature (or that's my excuse anyway) to take lessons from the past and apply them to the present.  Helpful or not.  So I'm sure there will be struggles...and temptation to stalk people on Facebook that I shouldn't...but I think it's the best thing for me at this point in my life.  Let the past stay in the past and try my best to live in the present.  To not let how I handled situations before dictate how I live my life in the future.  Sounds crazy right?  Well...baby steps.  And I'll try to keep you updated on my progress throughout the coming months. 

For now...Happy New Year!  May your 2011 be blessed with love, joy, faith, and peace. 

"You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by.  Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope..."  Job 11:16-18

You pull me closer to love...

It's funny as you head into your late 20's the way people view being single.  Its almost like they see it as less of a choice and more of a desperate situation.  Which I just find amusing really.  That's not to say some people in their mid to late 20's wouldn't rather be in a relationship, but it doesn't mean that all of us are sitting around miserable because we aren't.  I've gotten asked (more times than I can count) why I'm still single or why I don't really date much.  What am I supposed to say to this?  There's the expected "I just haven't found the right person yet" or the "it'll happen when it's supposed to"...why not say "I just haven't felt like I'm missing out on anything by being single"?  Who wants to hear you say,"I've been hurt so many times I just don't want to risk it right now?"  Neither of those are the answers people expect.  And I know they're just trying to be reassuring, but sometimes it's just really frustrating. 

I get it.  I'm 27, single, and I live in Texas.  In Denver it was much less noticeable amidst a sea of young, single people.   Maybe that's why I never really let the questions get to me.  Or was never really that concerned about my love (or lack there of) life.  But now it seems to be a hot topic of discussion.  And I get that too...a lot of my friends are getting married and having babies...which is great, I'm just not there yet. 

That's not to say I don't want all of those things someday...I do...but I'm not worried that it hasn't happened yet.  I've had some great opportunities that I may not have taken advantage of if I was married or trying to start a family.  I wouldn't trade my two years in Denver or my ability to change jobs and move around the country for anything.  I've loved it.  Doesn't mean there haven't been parts of my journey that would've been nice to share with someone, or that I didn't have love and hurt along the way...it's just a part of my story.  A story that is still being written and is by no means lacking in the love department.  I have an awesome family and great friends that have provided me with so much love over the years that I haven't really had a void to fill. 

The best part is I feel like all of the experiences I've had along the way have made me so much more open to loving someone and being loved in return.  All the hurts, hangups, and risks have brought me where I am today.  And I wouldn't change any of it. 

"Oh it's your light, oh it's your way, pull me out of the dark just to show me the way, cryin' out now from so far away...you pull me closer to love, closer to love..." Mat Kearney

Bags fly free?

I know it's been a while since I've written...been in somewhat of a blogging drought I suppose.  That or I have too many things running around in my head to sort into words.  Probably more of the latter these days. 

It's been a weird couple of months to say the least.  And somehow it seems in the blink of an eye time has come and gone yet again.  How has it already been four months since precious Ellery was born?  And almost three without Granny?  Isn't it strange that no matter how frozen we may be in a moment, life continues to swirl all around us?  If only there was a way to stop it...even just briefly.  Clearly I know this is impossible and probably silly to even think about...but you can't blame a girl for dreaming. 

What I've been realizing lately is that we all carry baggage with us.  It comes in different shapes, sizes, colors, weights, etc...but we all have it.  Some people might consider them scars more than baggage, war wounds if you will, but I think it's pretty much all the same.  And it can be anything.  Doesn't have to be a bad relationship with an ex or a family member necessarily...it can be something as simple as losing someone you love or losing a job or moving across the country.  It isn't always bad baggage either. 

The question becomes...is there such a thing as too much baggage?  Or as we get older do we get charged for the extra baggage we accumulate?  Maybe its evaluated on a person by person basis...some baggage outweighs others depending on what we can each handle...there shouldn't be an automatic scale that charges you extra once you exceed fifty pounds.  I know for me there are types of baggage I may not be prepared to handle...and probably baggage I carry around with me that other people may not be capable of handling, but I like to think that I wouldn't immediately evaluate a person based on what kind or how much baggage someone has. 

But what I've really begun to understand is that these scars make us more beautiful. The damage done by love, loss, and life turns us into these weathered, weary people that shouldn't be afraid to show off what we've been through.  Embrace the imperfections...be honest about who we are and the mistakes we've made...love that in our weaknesses we are made stronger. 

Most importantly, just love.  Its the things we carry that make us who we are and in my opinion more lovable.

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

Here I am Lord...

Naomi Bryant Duban

1915 - 2010

This blog post is nothing more than a tribute to one of the most beautiful, God fearing, loving women I was blessed to know.  For the past twenty seven years she was the matriarch of our family as I know it.  And in an instant, that all changed.  

I have been trying to gather my thoughts over the past few days, but how can you put into words a woman whose life was so intricately entwined with your own? I try to remember the funny things...the "Grannyisms" if you will.  Those little sayings that fill all of the memories I have.  And remember the smiles and laughter.  Not the sadness that drifts in and out these days.  Sometimes it will just hit me out of nowhere.  And I know its selfish to want more time or to think about the moments I missed out on...but right now I just can't help it.  Anyway...enough about me.  One day at a time is the best I can do for now. 

The title of this blog is an old Catholic hymn that I remember singing at Granny's during the rosary she used to have at her house.  At the time it was such a somber, mellow song.  But now its what I hear when I think about her.  And it brought me to tears when it was played at her service.  Though it also makes me chuckle because we used to dread going down to say the rosary with Granny and her friends.  It always seemed to last forever too...and in reality its only around 20 minutes.  But it was her passion and her calling.  And no matter how embarrassing it was for her to pass out rosaries from the plastic bag in her purse, its something I respect and love her for even more as I think about it. 

She was a light in a world full of darkness, a breath of fresh air when you were struggling to breathe, and a symbol of love and faith to everyone who was lucky enough to know her.  I don't know if there are words to adequately describe how much we will all miss her...but I know that she is rejoicing in Heaven and we will someday be together again. 

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you. The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory. Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end." Isaiah 60:1;19-20