The broken beautiful...

I started this blog six years ago tomorrow...a little fact I just stumbled upon. I didn't even realize it might be the reason I felt compelled to write again today.

Six years ago I was sort of lost, looking for a lot of answers, with some sliver of hope that getting my words out there would make a difference somehow. And I would love to say that in those six years I've found myself, or had some massive revelations, or made a big impact, but the truth is I still feel a little lost sometimes...and I am still trying to figure it all out. I'm not sure that will ever change.

What has changed is me, overall. I'm not the same person I was six years ago, everything I've done and said and lived since then has molded me into who I am today. But in some ways I still feel the same. Still fiercely loyal, still naively hopeful, still believing that broken can be beautiful. 

What hasn't changed are the reasons I started blogging in the first place. The need to get my thoughts out of my head and onto a page. The overwhelming desire to be known by many, yet truly loved by few.

It kind of all began by embracing this idea of being broken and being ok with it. A weird concept to some, but to me it just made sense. I can't remember now if it was inspired by Donald Miller's words in "Blue Like Jazz", or interpreting lyrics to a Lifehouse song (or two or three), but what I do remember is feeling like I finally saw something that had been there all along. This truly beautiful part of life that happens when you accept the broken parts for what they are instead of being defined by them.

Six years later I'm still broken and still trying to understand and embrace what it means to be ok with it. In that brokenness I've cried a lot, laughed a lot, and learned a lot. I'm sure there's plenty more of that to come too.

As I've waded through the ups and downs of life over the past six years I've tried to embrace a few simple truths...

We were made to love and be loved. To know and be known. To share the best and worst parts of ourselves with others. To understand we are each a story still being written. And maybe most importantly, that we're worth it. Broken parts and all.

"I know that I don't bring a lot to the table, just little pieces of a broken heart. There's days I wonder if You'll still be faithful, hold me together when I fall apart? Would You remind me now of who You are?

That Your love will never change, that there's healing in your name, that You can take broken things, and make them beautiful. You took my shame and You walked out of the grave, so Your love can take broken things and make them beautiful.

I'm better off when I begin to remember, how You have met me in my deepest pain. So give me glimpses now of how You have covered, all of my heart ache, oh with all Your grace. Remind me now that You can make a way...

That Your love will never change, that there's healing in your name, that You can take broken things, and make them beautiful. You took my shame and You walked out of the grave, so Your love can take broken things and make them beautiful.

You say that You'll turn my weeping into dancing, remove my sadness & cover me with joy. You say your scars are the evidence of healing, that You can make the broken beautiful..." Ellie Holcomb

Oh what a beautiful life...

I was listening to the radio the other morning on my long drive into work when a song came on by an artist I'd never heard of before. With no better options on the other stations, I decided to give it a listen. And I'm glad I did. The song was called "Beautiful Life" by Nick Fradiani and listening to the lyrics that day made me keenly aware of just how much I have to be grateful for. So much has happened over the past few months, it's hard to know where to begin.

Let's start with the munchkins...way back at the end of October, this sweet little pumpkin turned 2. Good thing it only took that long for him to decide Aunt C was pretty ok, even if nowhere near a close substitute for mom.  He loves chocolate ice cream and being chased around the kitchen and on a very rare occasion sharing some snuggles. And quite frankly he's pretty great, even when he's screaming about changing out of his jammies (pronounced jah-mies). Life is rough at 2 1/2.

Not to be overlooked is his very silly and vivacious older sister, who just turned 5. Five. I don't know how she grew up so fast. It's like we blinked and this tiny baby turned into this funny, princess and mermaid obsessed little person. She is stubborn and spirited and loving all at once. It's been a true joy watching her personality grow and change over the years. I'm so glad she still thinks Aunt C is cool, I'll take it for as long as I can get it.

Back to October. It was actually a pretty busy month in the Pence household. Between 2nd birthdays and baby bro's wedding, it was just one celebration after another. Not a bad way to spend the month if you ask me. Scott and Emily have been together for what feels like forever, since way back when they were just a couple of college kids. Well they're still kids to me. It was truly a privilege to watch them stand up in front of all their friends and family and profess their love for each other. Certainly know how to make a big sister proud.

 

And not too long after that we were excited to learn they would soon become parents themselves. Another little niece on her way. The end of September can't come fast enough! 

Not a bad few months right? Oh it doesn't stop there. 

A couple of weeks ago I had the extreme honor of sharing a very special moment in my bestie's life. Her engagement. I'm not sure there is anything you want more than to see your friend happy, to find someone truly worthy of their heart. Sometimes it takes a lot of heartache to get there, but I'm pretty sure it's worth it in the end. I can't wait to see what the future holds for these 2, and I look forward to being there every step of the way. That's what besties are for after all.

You never know when inspiration will find you...for me, I'm just glad I chose to listen.

"...oh what a beautiful life, oh what a beautiful life..."

Listen to your heart...

I'm going to warn you now...if you don't know what tomorrow is, this post may not be for you.  Sorry about that.  For all of you that do know (well ok even if you don't)...keep reading!

In case you aren't aware by now I am a HUGE college sports fan.  I quite literally live and breathe it every day.  And tomorrow is national signing day, which for grown ups is like Christmas Day and Draft Day combined into one glorious package.  It's absolutely brilliant.  Especially now with a lot of the "big" announcements being covered live by ESPNU and other various media outlets.  There is even a camera whose sole purpose is to watch signed letters come in on a fax machine.  A fax machine! 

We salivate over the number of stars a recruit has or the overall ranking assigned to them based on their high school or junior college career.  We can't get enough of the highlight reels that pop up on our social media feeds.  We trade trash talk at work and over twitter.  We get our feelings hurt when they don't choose our school, our team.  It is both exhilarating and disappointing. 

I'm sure this won't surprise anyone, but I've never played football in my life.  Not only because I'm a girl, but mostly because I never wanted to.  I always wanted to watch, cheer, boo.  Be a fan. 

But it's so much more than that.  It's yelling at the tv when you're the only person in the room (even if it terrifies your dog), it's standing in the miserable heat/rain/cold for 4 hours just to watch your team lose, it's showing up at midnight the night before a game just to take it all in.  It's anxiously awaiting the decision of an 18 year old kid. 

I can't even imagine what it's like to be one of these kids.  The pressure, the expectations, the fear of disappointing everyone around you. 

Here's the only advice I have to offer.  Listen to your heart.  Follow it.  Choose the school that feels right.  It is your decision and your future.  Embrace it.  Pick the people you want to lead you, to mold you into a man.  Find the place you're passionate about. 

Be passionate about your coaches, your team, your teammates.  Be passionate about your willingness, your dedication, your drive.  Love what you do, every single day.  Be in, be all in. 

As a fan that's all we can ask of you.  All we want is for you to become a part of our team, our traditions, our family.  To know that win or lose we've got your back.  That we won't ever give up on you, so don't ever give up on yourself. 

Thank you for giving us something to root for.  For making your life a part of ours, even if only for a little while.  Thank you for all of the brilliant moments yet to come. We truly wish you nothing but the best.  Oh and just for good measure...Gig 'Em.