Would you be strong enough for me?

Sometimes I feel like the music I listen to has a theme to it. Or maybe it has to do with the day that I'm listening to it...maybe even the time of day. In the morning something more lively to wake me up as I drive...and in the evening something to calm me down as I fight through traffic and reflect on the day. Weekends are pretty much free game. And I realized today, as I was driving around, that some of the songs I was listening to centered around strength. Perhaps even the lack there of.

Which made me reflect into my own life of course. Music has a way of doing that to me sometimes.

And then I got to thinking...I've always considered myself a "strong" person. I don't necessarily mean physically strong either. More so emotionally and spiritually (or mentally) strong. I'm not trying to be arrogant or anything, but I like to think it is an attribute I was blessed with. Whether it's being a shoulder to cry on during the tough times, holding my head high when things don't go my way, or even venturing out into the unknown...it just seemed to come naturally to me. Or it used to anyway.

A person can only be so strong really.

Over the past 26 years I have experienced so much. A lot of life, an overwhelming amount of laughter and love, and sadly a fair share of loss. It hasn't always been easy to stay strong...we all have moments of weakness...and other moments where strength is the last thing someone needs. And today I was thinking that maybe I'm not so strong anymore. The last year has really taken a toll on my personal strength in some ways.

I think my emotional strength has been affected the most. That's not to say I never showed emotion before or lacked passion in the things I did...but I feel like I've become overly emotional lately. And it's not really a bad thing, just different. The smallest things can bring tears to my eyes these days. Hearing a song in a different way...witnessing a life changing moment...receiving a text message full of good news...but more so the things in my life where I feel like I'm making wrong decisions.

I know we all make choices or do things we aren't always sure of or may look back on and see differently later on...and I am a firm believer that everything happens or has happened for a reason...but sometimes it's hard to see the strength in those decisions. I have always felt like I am at my weakest when I am in the midst of change. You may call it being vulnerable or tempted...but I tend to see a lot of it as weakness. I may give in too easily or do something I normally wouldn't during a more stable time in my life, but regardless, it happens to all of us I think. And when I was younger it was easier to bounce back...things didn't affect me the way they do now. Part of growing up I suppose. But each time it gets harder to regain my strength back after my emotions take some kind of blow.

So as I was thinking about all of this today, I realized it's ok to not be the strong person all the time. Maybe I'm just moving on to a different time in my life where I am learning to rely on others (especially God) for my strength. Not to say I haven't always depended on my family and friends for support...but I'm not sure I ever really turned to God when I was truly weak. Of course I always knew He was there, no matter what, but I think I relied on myself to get through it. And now I really know that I can't do it on my own. It is both humbling and a blessing.

Then I remembered a verse that I used to love reading when I was feeling weak. So as I continue my battle to find balance between strength and weakness, I leave you with this...

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinithians 12:9

Always...

This isn't really a blog post as much as it is the lyrics from one of my new favorite songs. I have loved Switchfoot since I first heard them many years ago, and was again reminded of why I love their music when I heard this beautiful song. I wanted to add it to my playlist, but it wasn't available sadly. So for now all I can do is post the lyrics and a link to YouTube where you can hear the song. It is simple, yet powerful. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

Always by Switchfoot

"This is the start, this is your heart
This is the day you were born
This is the sun, these are your lungs
This is the day you were born

And I am always yours

These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn

And it is always yours
But I am always yours

Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance

And it is always yours
And I am always yours"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Hkjau8i-ck&feature=fvw

A year in review...

I know this blog is a little out of order from the last post, but I feel like I really need to recap the past year in my life (and the lives that impact mine the most). And I really like the way Beth (sister) recapped their year...but I don't have a lot of pictures nor a timeline really, so I guess words will have to do.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

This has been my life verse for years, and I find no matter what is going on, it always brings me a certain amount of comfort. It's a constant reminder that God's plans for my life are so much greater than anything I could imagine. And I think for the first time in quite a while, it really hit home this past year.

2009 started off better than I expected with one of my best friends getting engaged (to another great friend of mine). This joyful celebration was soon followed by the very exciting news that I was going to be an aunt for the first time! Things just seemed to be going really well. I was beyond thrilled with all of the momentous life events unfolding around me. And so grateful to be a part of them. I loved picking out bridesmaid dresses online and laughing about funny wedding things and especially shopping for cute baby clothes and toys in preparation to spoil my first neice or nephew absolutely rotten.

But it wasn't long after that my world came crashing down around me. (Sidenote: it may be a little bumm-y from here on down)

It was never a part of my plans to be forced out of the only job I've ever known and into the depressing world that is unemployment.

It was never a part of my plans to lose a sweet friend in such a tragic way and much too soon.

It was never a part of my plans to watch my sister and brother in law experience such heartache and loss.

The funny thing about all of those statements is they all revolve around me and my plans. Which is how we always think things work right? Not so much. It is really humbling to be reminded that we're not in control of any of it. Humbling and eye opening.

The middle of 2009 is all kind of a blur as I look back on it now. It all seemed to happen so fast. And yet so slow at the same time. There was so much hurt and loss and sadness. But I think throughout it all, there was always hope. And faith. Hope that things would get better and faith that everything was happening with a purpose. Sometimes it's just hard to see it. You get so overcome with the negative things going on, it is easy to miss the positives.

I like to look at it this way...if I hadn't gotten laid off, I never would have been able to spend time with my family when we all needed it the most. If I hadn't experienced my sister losing a perfect little baby, I wouldn't be able to appreciate how precious and delicate life really is. If I hadn't moved home, I wouldn't have reconnected with old friends. The list really goes on and on.

And then it started to get better. Slowly. My friends got married in September. I moved back to Texas in November. My sister found out she is pregnant again. And finally I got a job.

That was pretty much my year in a nutshell. It started and ended well, but the middle was rough. And honestly I don't know that I would change any of it. I feel like everything I've been through this year has truly made me into a better and stronger person. It has solidified (and tested) my faith in more ways than I thought possible. So as I put 2009 behind me and look forward to 2010...I know that no matter what God has in store for me, I am ready for it.

So now I leave you with this quote...

"She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too..." Hope Floats

An Aggie in Austin...

So the (new) journey begins! Yay!!

Just two days ago I got in my car and drove about 200 miles south on I-35 to the beautiful city of Austin. Or as I like to think of it...the Denver of the south. Silly I know.

I decided to move down about a week early so I had a little more time to get settled and get some things done before I head back into the real world. Like getting my car registered in Texas...and subsequently inspected. Or setting up my new (and awesome Christmas present) membership to 24 hour fitness. Things to be done in the next couple of days.

My plan was to get everything organized yesterday...well at least to get all of the clothes out of my car anyway. But apparently my stomach had other plans for me. Sadly I was awoken in the early hours of Monday morning with a pretty bad case of what I think was food poisoning. And let me tell you there is nothing I despise more than having an upset stomach. It is physically exhausting and honestly just disgusting. Ha, sorry for that. So I pretty much laid around the house and slept on and off yesterday. Drank some gatorade and avoided food for the most part. Good times right there.

Another damper on my day yesterday was a phone call that I received in the evening from my HR contact at the new company. She called to tell me that they got all of my paperwork in and everything but there was a problem with my drug test. And before she told me what the problem was...I was baffled. I mean I think I'm about as drug free as you can get. Apparently the test was negative but showed that I was "over-hydrated"...which basically makes it invalid. As soon as she said that I was really quite upset...because the fantastic people that run the testing facility in Fort Worth insisted that I drink lots of water there before I tested to make sure I had enough of a sample. I mean really...over-hydrated? And she also told me that if something like this happened again then they would retract my offer. It was a little shocking.

Thankfully today I woke up feeling like myself and was allowed to retake my drug test (an oral swab this time) at the company. And I passed (duh). So today has definitely been an improvement over yesterday. I even got a huge chunk of unpacking done as well! Way to go me! Haha. Just need to continue the productivity the rest of the week and weekend.

But it is a little bit scary to be starting over again...new city, new job, new chapter in my life. Obviously exciting too. Still scary though. Especially since I have been not working for quite a while now. Not that I think I won't be motivated or anything like that, but it's something totally different than what I've been doing for the past few years and I know it's going to be hard at first. Just have to have faith in myself and my abilities. And be thankful for the opportunity that's been given to me!!

So many things to look forward to over the next few weeks. 2010 is definitely looking like a great year so far!!