I cannot believe that 2010 is already coming to a close. This year has truly gone by so quickly. It's like I blinked twice and it was gone. Crazy.
So as I was driving back to Austin today I started thinking about some "New Year's Resolutions". And I really hate to call them that because we should be able to stop at any point in the year and resolve to change something. But that's neither here nor there really. Now I know most people typically choose to lose weight or workout more or give up caffeine, coffee or smoking even...and this isn't to say I don't need to work on a few of those myself...but I was trying to think of something a little less "trendy" if you will.
And what I came up with is something I think I should continually work on and not just say as of 1/1/11 I'm going to be done with. It is simply this: to let go of all the hurts, hang ups and heart break from my past (to the best of my ability of course, I am only human). This doesn't mean I want to forget about some of those painful (growing) experiences...but it does mean I want to let them go. And it's going to be really hard. I'm sure there will be days where it will be a lot like trying to avoid caffeine...you just want one sip, one stroll down memory lane, to ease the headache.
The big question is...what does this really mean? What exactly am I giving up? And right now it's hard to say what all it entails. It may mean just un-friending some people on Facebook...deleting people from my phone...maybe even letting go of people who are a part of my life but have been a source of pain. Or maybe it's as simple as not dwelling on certain situations and in turn not allowing them to affect my life now.
But let's face it...I'm a girl...it's a part of our nature (or that's my excuse anyway) to take lessons from the past and apply them to the present. Helpful or not. So I'm sure there will be struggles...and temptation to stalk people on Facebook that I shouldn't...but I think it's the best thing for me at this point in my life. Let the past stay in the past and try my best to live in the present. To not let how I handled situations before dictate how I live my life in the future. Sounds crazy right? Well...baby steps. And I'll try to keep you updated on my progress throughout the coming months.
For now...Happy New Year! May your 2011 be blessed with love, joy, faith, and peace.
"You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope..." Job 11:16-18
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
You pull me closer to love...
It's funny as you head into your late 20's the way people view being single. Its almost like they see it as less of a choice and more of a desperate situation. Which I just find amusing really. That's not to say some people in their mid to late 20's wouldn't rather be in a relationship, but it doesn't mean that all of us are sitting around miserable because we aren't. I've gotten asked (more times than I can count) why I'm still single or why I don't really date much. What am I supposed to say to this? There's the expected "I just haven't found the right person yet" or the "it'll happen when it's supposed to"...why not say "I just haven't felt like I'm missing out on anything by being single"? Who wants to hear you say,"I've been hurt so many times I just don't want to risk it right now?" Neither of those are the answers people expect. And I know they're just trying to be reassuring, but sometimes it's just really frustrating.
I get it. I'm 27, single, and I live in Texas. In Denver it was much less noticeable amidst a sea of young, single people. Maybe that's why I never really let the questions get to me. Or was never really that concerned about my love (or lack there of) life. But now it seems to be a hot topic of discussion. And I get that too...a lot of my friends are getting married and having babies...which is great, I'm just not there yet.
That's not to say I don't want all of those things someday...I do...but I'm not worried that it hasn't happened yet. I've had some great opportunities that I may not have taken advantage of if I was married or trying to start a family. I wouldn't trade my two years in Denver or my ability to change jobs and move around the country for anything. I've loved it. Doesn't mean there haven't been parts of my journey that would've been nice to share with someone, or that I didn't have love and hurt along the way...it's just a part of my story. A story that is still being written and is by no means lacking in the love department. I have an awesome family and great friends that have provided me with so much love over the years that I haven't really had a void to fill.
The best part is I feel like all of the experiences I've had along the way have made me so much more open to loving someone and being loved in return. All the hurts, hangups, and risks have brought me where I am today. And I wouldn't change any of it.
"Oh it's your light, oh it's your way, pull me out of the dark just to show me the way, cryin' out now from so far away...you pull me closer to love, closer to love..." Mat Kearney
I get it. I'm 27, single, and I live in Texas. In Denver it was much less noticeable amidst a sea of young, single people. Maybe that's why I never really let the questions get to me. Or was never really that concerned about my love (or lack there of) life. But now it seems to be a hot topic of discussion. And I get that too...a lot of my friends are getting married and having babies...which is great, I'm just not there yet.
That's not to say I don't want all of those things someday...I do...but I'm not worried that it hasn't happened yet. I've had some great opportunities that I may not have taken advantage of if I was married or trying to start a family. I wouldn't trade my two years in Denver or my ability to change jobs and move around the country for anything. I've loved it. Doesn't mean there haven't been parts of my journey that would've been nice to share with someone, or that I didn't have love and hurt along the way...it's just a part of my story. A story that is still being written and is by no means lacking in the love department. I have an awesome family and great friends that have provided me with so much love over the years that I haven't really had a void to fill.
The best part is I feel like all of the experiences I've had along the way have made me so much more open to loving someone and being loved in return. All the hurts, hangups, and risks have brought me where I am today. And I wouldn't change any of it.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Bags fly free?
I know it's been a while since I've written...been in somewhat of a blogging drought I suppose. That or I have too many things running around in my head to sort into words. Probably more of the latter these days.
It's been a weird couple of months to say the least. And somehow it seems in the blink of an eye time has come and gone yet again. How has it already been four months since precious Ellery was born? And almost three without Granny? Isn't it strange that no matter how frozen we may be in a moment, life continues to swirl all around us? If only there was a way to stop it...even just briefly. Clearly I know this is impossible and probably silly to even think about...but you can't blame a girl for dreaming.
What I've been realizing lately is that we all carry baggage with us. It comes in different shapes, sizes, colors, weights, etc...but we all have it. Some people might consider them scars more than baggage, war wounds if you will, but I think it's pretty much all the same. And it can be anything. Doesn't have to be a bad relationship with an ex or a family member necessarily...it can be something as simple as losing someone you love or losing a job or moving across the country. It isn't always bad baggage either.
The question becomes...is there such a thing as too much baggage? Or as we get older do we get charged for the extra baggage we accumulate? Maybe its evaluated on a person by person basis...some baggage outweighs others depending on what we can each handle...there shouldn't be an automatic scale that charges you extra once you exceed fifty pounds. I know for me there are types of baggage I may not be prepared to handle...and probably baggage I carry around with me that other people may not be capable of handling, but I like to think that I wouldn't immediately evaluate a person based on what kind or how much baggage someone has.
But what I've really begun to understand is that these scars make us more beautiful. The damage done by love, loss, and life turns us into these weathered, weary people that shouldn't be afraid to show off what we've been through. Embrace the imperfections...be honest about who we are and the mistakes we've made...love that in our weaknesses we are made stronger.
Most importantly, just love. Its the things we carry that make us who we are and in my opinion more lovable.
"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19
It's been a weird couple of months to say the least. And somehow it seems in the blink of an eye time has come and gone yet again. How has it already been four months since precious Ellery was born? And almost three without Granny? Isn't it strange that no matter how frozen we may be in a moment, life continues to swirl all around us? If only there was a way to stop it...even just briefly. Clearly I know this is impossible and probably silly to even think about...but you can't blame a girl for dreaming.
What I've been realizing lately is that we all carry baggage with us. It comes in different shapes, sizes, colors, weights, etc...but we all have it. Some people might consider them scars more than baggage, war wounds if you will, but I think it's pretty much all the same. And it can be anything. Doesn't have to be a bad relationship with an ex or a family member necessarily...it can be something as simple as losing someone you love or losing a job or moving across the country. It isn't always bad baggage either.
The question becomes...is there such a thing as too much baggage? Or as we get older do we get charged for the extra baggage we accumulate? Maybe its evaluated on a person by person basis...some baggage outweighs others depending on what we can each handle...there shouldn't be an automatic scale that charges you extra once you exceed fifty pounds. I know for me there are types of baggage I may not be prepared to handle...and probably baggage I carry around with me that other people may not be capable of handling, but I like to think that I wouldn't immediately evaluate a person based on what kind or how much baggage someone has.
But what I've really begun to understand is that these scars make us more beautiful. The damage done by love, loss, and life turns us into these weathered, weary people that shouldn't be afraid to show off what we've been through. Embrace the imperfections...be honest about who we are and the mistakes we've made...love that in our weaknesses we are made stronger.
Most importantly, just love. Its the things we carry that make us who we are and in my opinion more lovable.
"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19
Monday, August 9, 2010
Here I am Lord...
Naomi Bryant Duban
1915 - 2010
This blog post is nothing more than a tribute to one of the most beautiful, God fearing, loving women I was blessed to know. For the past twenty seven years she was the matriarch of our family as I know it. And in an instant, that all changed.
I have been trying to gather my thoughts over the past few days, but how can you put into words a woman whose life was so intricately entwined with your own? I try to remember the funny things...the "Grannyisms" if you will. Those little sayings that fill all of the memories I have. And remember the smiles and laughter. Not the sadness that drifts in and out these days. Sometimes it will just hit me out of nowhere. And I know its selfish to want more time or to think about the moments I missed out on...but right now I just can't help it. Anyway...enough about me. One day at a time is the best I can do for now.
The title of this blog is an old Catholic hymn that I remember singing at Granny's during the rosary she used to have at her house. At the time it was such a somber, mellow song. But now its what I hear when I think about her. And it brought me to tears when it was played at her service. Though it also makes me chuckle because we used to dread going down to say the rosary with Granny and her friends. It always seemed to last forever too...and in reality its only around 20 minutes. But it was her passion and her calling. And no matter how embarrassing it was for her to pass out rosaries from the plastic bag in her purse, its something I respect and love her for even more as I think about it.
She was a light in a world full of darkness, a breath of fresh air when you were struggling to breathe, and a symbol of love and faith to everyone who was lucky enough to know her. I don't know if there are words to adequately describe how much we will all miss her...but I know that she is rejoicing in Heaven and we will someday be together again.
"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you. The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory. Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end." Isaiah 60:1;19-20
Thursday, July 1, 2010
She is love...
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Ellery Jane Timmerman
Born June 24, 2010 at 1:00 pm
7 pounds 1 ounce, 19 inches
She is truly the most beautiful baby I have ever gotten to hold (and love on). I may be a little biased I know, but I just can't help it! Who knew it was possible to love someone so much having just met them.
Isn't it amazing how life has come full circle in just a year? Last week before Miss E arrived, I was having trouble putting it into words. And even now as I sit here thinking about how things have changed, the words just don't seem to come. Through all the tears and prayers and worrying, you just can't fathom how faithful God is until you hold that precious little angel in your arms.
He is faithful.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Worthy of love...
Tonight as I watch the makeover episode of Biggest Loser I am constantly reminded how much we are told we're not worthy. Worthy of love...worthy of life...worthy of anything. This show always gets to me. Because I truly believe it changes lives. For the better. These people are at the end of their rope so to speak...they have no other options besides dying a slow, obese death, full of disease and sadness.
And in a way I know what that's like. Not the obesity part necessarily. But to feel like you're not worthy. I'm sure we've all felt like that at different points in our lives. And it's a terrible feeling. To feel like no matter what you do or who you're surrounded by, you're still not worthy. Or that something you've done has prevented you from deserving worthiness. Whether its weight or whatever else...there are so many things that cause this feeling within us.
But no matter what...it's all rooted in sin. We're all sinners. We know that. We were told that from the very beginning. We've all fallen short.
Even better though...we've been redeemed. And we ARE worthy.
Tonight's Biggest Loser overwhelmingly reminded me of that. These people are just as worthy as me of living a happy and healthy life. No matter what they've struggled with in the past. And I love seeing them have this revelation. It's not always during makeover week...but it always happens. At some point they just recognize it within themselves. They are worthy.
And so am I. Even though its something I seem to be struggling with right now. It's not like I realized it while I was watching the show tonight...but its something that's been building up over the past few weeks. Am I truly worthy of being loved? The way I deserve. The way I was meant to be loved? The answer is yes. I am worthy. I just have to recognize it within myself.
This comes from one of my favorite songs from a few years ago...and tonight it's all I seem to be singing in my head.
"I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe, look inside my heart, and be amazed...I want to hear you say, who I am is quite enough, just want to be worthy of love, and beautiful..." Bethany Dillon
And in a way I know what that's like. Not the obesity part necessarily. But to feel like you're not worthy. I'm sure we've all felt like that at different points in our lives. And it's a terrible feeling. To feel like no matter what you do or who you're surrounded by, you're still not worthy. Or that something you've done has prevented you from deserving worthiness. Whether its weight or whatever else...there are so many things that cause this feeling within us.
But no matter what...it's all rooted in sin. We're all sinners. We know that. We were told that from the very beginning. We've all fallen short.
Even better though...we've been redeemed. And we ARE worthy.
Tonight's Biggest Loser overwhelmingly reminded me of that. These people are just as worthy as me of living a happy and healthy life. No matter what they've struggled with in the past. And I love seeing them have this revelation. It's not always during makeover week...but it always happens. At some point they just recognize it within themselves. They are worthy.
And so am I. Even though its something I seem to be struggling with right now. It's not like I realized it while I was watching the show tonight...but its something that's been building up over the past few weeks. Am I truly worthy of being loved? The way I deserve. The way I was meant to be loved? The answer is yes. I am worthy. I just have to recognize it within myself.
This comes from one of my favorite songs from a few years ago...and tonight it's all I seem to be singing in my head.
"I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe, look inside my heart, and be amazed...I want to hear you say, who I am is quite enough, just want to be worthy of love, and beautiful..." Bethany Dillon
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Time, is going by, so much faster than I...
Sometimes it's really hard to grasp how quickly time passes. But I feel like on several occasions recently I have come face to face with this reality. And its not necessarily a bad thing, just kind of strange.
A couple of weeks ago my sister and mom ran into the family we used to babysit for in high school. The little girls we used to take to dance and pick up from kindergarten are now in high school And the boys are in college...one almost done. It was enough to make me stop and calculate just how long it had been. Ten years. Wow. I didn't even realize it had been so long. And then when I went home for the weekend we saw another girl I used to coach in swim team and babysit for...also quite grown up. I was amazed. It made me feel so old! Not that growing up is bad...its a part of life...sometimes I just forget how "grown up" I really am.
And today was another mile marker. It has officially been one year since my whole life (and world) changed. And to be honest it was a tough day for me. I know it's all in the past and no matter how much I wish things could have been different, I can't go back and change them. But its hard not to look back and feel sad about how everything unfolded. To say I miss the people who were a part of that life is a huge understatement. I feel like a piece of me is still there with them. And maybe it always will be...which is more than ok with me. Just makes it a little harder to move forward. I know when I go visit in a few weeks it will be next to impossible to leave again. But I trust that there is a purpose in everything that has happened and is happening in my life. And I am so grateful for the friends I have here (both at work and outside of)...I'm not sure I could've made it through the day without them to cheer me up!
More than anything it made me once again aware of time. And how in the blink of an eye everything can change. It made me think that just for a while I wish I could slow things down and enjoy the little moments more. The ones you look back on that make you smile. I know there are more of those moments to come, but it's nice to appreciate the ones that have already come and gone every once in a while.
So here I am again...feeling nostalgic. On one of those days where it can't be avoided. All I can say is I have so many moments to thankful and grateful for. And faithful to know the ones to come are just as great (if not greater)! Just need to allow myself to slow down and enjoy them.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." Ecclesiastes 3:1
A couple of weeks ago my sister and mom ran into the family we used to babysit for in high school. The little girls we used to take to dance and pick up from kindergarten are now in high school And the boys are in college...one almost done. It was enough to make me stop and calculate just how long it had been. Ten years. Wow. I didn't even realize it had been so long. And then when I went home for the weekend we saw another girl I used to coach in swim team and babysit for...also quite grown up. I was amazed. It made me feel so old! Not that growing up is bad...its a part of life...sometimes I just forget how "grown up" I really am.
And today was another mile marker. It has officially been one year since my whole life (and world) changed. And to be honest it was a tough day for me. I know it's all in the past and no matter how much I wish things could have been different, I can't go back and change them. But its hard not to look back and feel sad about how everything unfolded. To say I miss the people who were a part of that life is a huge understatement. I feel like a piece of me is still there with them. And maybe it always will be...which is more than ok with me. Just makes it a little harder to move forward. I know when I go visit in a few weeks it will be next to impossible to leave again. But I trust that there is a purpose in everything that has happened and is happening in my life. And I am so grateful for the friends I have here (both at work and outside of)...I'm not sure I could've made it through the day without them to cheer me up!
More than anything it made me once again aware of time. And how in the blink of an eye everything can change. It made me think that just for a while I wish I could slow things down and enjoy the little moments more. The ones you look back on that make you smile. I know there are more of those moments to come, but it's nice to appreciate the ones that have already come and gone every once in a while.
So here I am again...feeling nostalgic. On one of those days where it can't be avoided. All I can say is I have so many moments to thankful and grateful for. And faithful to know the ones to come are just as great (if not greater)! Just need to allow myself to slow down and enjoy them.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." Ecclesiastes 3:1
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Change is gonna come...
Change. A word we've heard so often over the past two years. Probably most notably with the current President's political campaign...but in so many other contexts as well. People promise change...companies promise change...seems like the whole world is promising change these days. Not to say that change is a bad thing. But it is what it is...something different.
Over the past year in my life I have experienced more change than I could've possibly imagined. I won't reiterate everything I've been through. I'd like to leave a lot of it where it belongs...in the past. But I think recently I've felt more affected by change than I did before.
I think this is to be expected moving to a new city and starting a new job. I guess I thought I was well versed enough with change that it wouldn't be an issue. But one thing I've learned is that you can't control how things affect you. Much like we can't control a lot of things we wish we could. Part of the humbling experience of life.
When I moved to Denver I think I was ready for change. With this move I'm not so sure. Obviously I was really excited about coming to Austin and getting a job...but I think a big piece of me was still in Denver. I don't think I realized how much I would miss the friends I made while I was there until it was certain I wouldn't be going back. And I know I can always go back to visit...but it's just not the same. That's not to say I don't have some great friends in the Austin area, because I certainly do...our lives are just different now.
I think the word I'm looking for is struggling. That's what I feel like I've been doing since I got here. Struggling to adjust to a totally new job. Struggling to build a life in a city I love but don't know as well as I thought. Struggling to see God's purpose in all of this. Struggling with change. Simply struggling.
And that is a tough thing for me to admit. Probably a tough thing for most people to admit. But it's the truth.
I never thought after working so hard (for what seemed like forever) at a job I took for granted that I would be back to square one. Back to being the low man on the totem pole. Back to being the new kid. Back to being the "first year" who is constantly asking questions trying to stay afloat. I knew it would be hard...just not this hard.
Don't get me wrong...I am so incredibly grateful to have this job. I know that it is truely rare to find another job where I am again surrounded by wonderful people (and lucky enough to be able to wear jeans whenever I want). Those things have made it a little easier. I know it's just going to take time. And patience. Sometimes it's hard to have faith in yourself, even when you know you are more than capable of catching up.
So that's where I am. In need of prayer while wading through a sea of change.
Over the past year in my life I have experienced more change than I could've possibly imagined. I won't reiterate everything I've been through. I'd like to leave a lot of it where it belongs...in the past. But I think recently I've felt more affected by change than I did before.
I think this is to be expected moving to a new city and starting a new job. I guess I thought I was well versed enough with change that it wouldn't be an issue. But one thing I've learned is that you can't control how things affect you. Much like we can't control a lot of things we wish we could. Part of the humbling experience of life.
When I moved to Denver I think I was ready for change. With this move I'm not so sure. Obviously I was really excited about coming to Austin and getting a job...but I think a big piece of me was still in Denver. I don't think I realized how much I would miss the friends I made while I was there until it was certain I wouldn't be going back. And I know I can always go back to visit...but it's just not the same. That's not to say I don't have some great friends in the Austin area, because I certainly do...our lives are just different now.
I think the word I'm looking for is struggling. That's what I feel like I've been doing since I got here. Struggling to adjust to a totally new job. Struggling to build a life in a city I love but don't know as well as I thought. Struggling to see God's purpose in all of this. Struggling with change. Simply struggling.
And that is a tough thing for me to admit. Probably a tough thing for most people to admit. But it's the truth.
I never thought after working so hard (for what seemed like forever) at a job I took for granted that I would be back to square one. Back to being the low man on the totem pole. Back to being the new kid. Back to being the "first year" who is constantly asking questions trying to stay afloat. I knew it would be hard...just not this hard.
Don't get me wrong...I am so incredibly grateful to have this job. I know that it is truely rare to find another job where I am again surrounded by wonderful people (and lucky enough to be able to wear jeans whenever I want). Those things have made it a little easier. I know it's just going to take time. And patience. Sometimes it's hard to have faith in yourself, even when you know you are more than capable of catching up.
So that's where I am. In need of prayer while wading through a sea of change.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Would you be strong enough for me?
Sometimes I feel like the music I listen to has a theme to it. Or maybe it has to do with the day that I'm listening to it...maybe even the time of day. In the morning something more lively to wake me up as I drive...and in the evening something to calm me down as I fight through traffic and reflect on the day. Weekends are pretty much free game. And I realized today, as I was driving around, that some of the songs I was listening to centered around strength. Perhaps even the lack there of.
Which made me reflect into my own life of course. Music has a way of doing that to me sometimes.
And then I got to thinking...I've always considered myself a "strong" person. I don't necessarily mean physically strong either. More so emotionally and spiritually (or mentally) strong. I'm not trying to be arrogant or anything, but I like to think it is an attribute I was blessed with. Whether it's being a shoulder to cry on during the tough times, holding my head high when things don't go my way, or even venturing out into the unknown...it just seemed to come naturally to me. Or it used to anyway.
A person can only be so strong really.
Over the past 26 years I have experienced so much. A lot of life, an overwhelming amount of laughter and love, and sadly a fair share of loss. It hasn't always been easy to stay strong...we all have moments of weakness...and other moments where strength is the last thing someone needs. And today I was thinking that maybe I'm not so strong anymore. The last year has really taken a toll on my personal strength in some ways.
I think my emotional strength has been affected the most. That's not to say I never showed emotion before or lacked passion in the things I did...but I feel like I've become overly emotional lately. And it's not really a bad thing, just different. The smallest things can bring tears to my eyes these days. Hearing a song in a different way...witnessing a life changing moment...receiving a text message full of good news...but more so the things in my life where I feel like I'm making wrong decisions.
I know we all make choices or do things we aren't always sure of or may look back on and see differently later on...and I am a firm believer that everything happens or has happened for a reason...but sometimes it's hard to see the strength in those decisions. I have always felt like I am at my weakest when I am in the midst of change. You may call it being vulnerable or tempted...but I tend to see a lot of it as weakness. I may give in too easily or do something I normally wouldn't during a more stable time in my life, but regardless, it happens to all of us I think. And when I was younger it was easier to bounce back...things didn't affect me the way they do now. Part of growing up I suppose. But each time it gets harder to regain my strength back after my emotions take some kind of blow.
So as I was thinking about all of this today, I realized it's ok to not be the strong person all the time. Maybe I'm just moving on to a different time in my life where I am learning to rely on others (especially God) for my strength. Not to say I haven't always depended on my family and friends for support...but I'm not sure I ever really turned to God when I was truly weak. Of course I always knew He was there, no matter what, but I think I relied on myself to get through it. And now I really know that I can't do it on my own. It is both humbling and a blessing.
Then I remembered a verse that I used to love reading when I was feeling weak. So as I continue my battle to find balance between strength and weakness, I leave you with this...
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinithians 12:9
Which made me reflect into my own life of course. Music has a way of doing that to me sometimes.
And then I got to thinking...I've always considered myself a "strong" person. I don't necessarily mean physically strong either. More so emotionally and spiritually (or mentally) strong. I'm not trying to be arrogant or anything, but I like to think it is an attribute I was blessed with. Whether it's being a shoulder to cry on during the tough times, holding my head high when things don't go my way, or even venturing out into the unknown...it just seemed to come naturally to me. Or it used to anyway.
A person can only be so strong really.
Over the past 26 years I have experienced so much. A lot of life, an overwhelming amount of laughter and love, and sadly a fair share of loss. It hasn't always been easy to stay strong...we all have moments of weakness...and other moments where strength is the last thing someone needs. And today I was thinking that maybe I'm not so strong anymore. The last year has really taken a toll on my personal strength in some ways.
I think my emotional strength has been affected the most. That's not to say I never showed emotion before or lacked passion in the things I did...but I feel like I've become overly emotional lately. And it's not really a bad thing, just different. The smallest things can bring tears to my eyes these days. Hearing a song in a different way...witnessing a life changing moment...receiving a text message full of good news...but more so the things in my life where I feel like I'm making wrong decisions.
I know we all make choices or do things we aren't always sure of or may look back on and see differently later on...and I am a firm believer that everything happens or has happened for a reason...but sometimes it's hard to see the strength in those decisions. I have always felt like I am at my weakest when I am in the midst of change. You may call it being vulnerable or tempted...but I tend to see a lot of it as weakness. I may give in too easily or do something I normally wouldn't during a more stable time in my life, but regardless, it happens to all of us I think. And when I was younger it was easier to bounce back...things didn't affect me the way they do now. Part of growing up I suppose. But each time it gets harder to regain my strength back after my emotions take some kind of blow.
So as I was thinking about all of this today, I realized it's ok to not be the strong person all the time. Maybe I'm just moving on to a different time in my life where I am learning to rely on others (especially God) for my strength. Not to say I haven't always depended on my family and friends for support...but I'm not sure I ever really turned to God when I was truly weak. Of course I always knew He was there, no matter what, but I think I relied on myself to get through it. And now I really know that I can't do it on my own. It is both humbling and a blessing.
Then I remembered a verse that I used to love reading when I was feeling weak. So as I continue my battle to find balance between strength and weakness, I leave you with this...
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinithians 12:9
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Always...
This isn't really a blog post as much as it is the lyrics from one of my new favorite songs. I have loved Switchfoot since I first heard them many years ago, and was again reminded of why I love their music when I heard this beautiful song. I wanted to add it to my playlist, but it wasn't available sadly. So for now all I can do is post the lyrics and a link to YouTube where you can hear the song. It is simple, yet powerful. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.
Always by Switchfoot
"This is the start, this is your heart
This is the day you were born
This is the sun, these are your lungs
This is the day you were born
And I am always yours
These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn
And it is always yours
But I am always yours
Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance
And it is always yours
And I am always yours"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Hkjau8i-ck&feature=fvw
Always by Switchfoot
"This is the start, this is your heart
This is the day you were born
This is the sun, these are your lungs
This is the day you were born
And I am always yours
These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn
And it is always yours
But I am always yours
Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance
And it is always yours
And I am always yours"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Hkjau8i-ck&feature=fvw
Friday, January 8, 2010
A year in review...
I know this blog is a little out of order from the last post, but I feel like I really need to recap the past year in my life (and the lives that impact mine the most). And I really like the way Beth (sister) recapped their year...but I don't have a lot of pictures nor a timeline really, so I guess words will have to do.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
This has been my life verse for years, and I find no matter what is going on, it always brings me a certain amount of comfort. It's a constant reminder that God's plans for my life are so much greater than anything I could imagine. And I think for the first time in quite a while, it really hit home this past year.
2009 started off better than I expected with one of my best friends getting engaged (to another great friend of mine). This joyful celebration was soon followed by the very exciting news that I was going to be an aunt for the first time! Things just seemed to be going really well. I was beyond thrilled with all of the momentous life events unfolding around me. And so grateful to be a part of them. I loved picking out bridesmaid dresses online and laughing about funny wedding things and especially shopping for cute baby clothes and toys in preparation to spoil my first neice or nephew absolutely rotten.
But it wasn't long after that my world came crashing down around me. (Sidenote: it may be a little bumm-y from here on down)
It was never a part of my plans to be forced out of the only job I've ever known and into the depressing world that is unemployment.
It was never a part of my plans to lose a sweet friend in such a tragic way and much too soon.
It was never a part of my plans to watch my sister and brother in law experience such heartache and loss.
The funny thing about all of those statements is they all revolve around me and my plans. Which is how we always think things work right? Not so much. It is really humbling to be reminded that we're not in control of any of it. Humbling and eye opening.
The middle of 2009 is all kind of a blur as I look back on it now. It all seemed to happen so fast. And yet so slow at the same time. There was so much hurt and loss and sadness. But I think throughout it all, there was always hope. And faith. Hope that things would get better and faith that everything was happening with a purpose. Sometimes it's just hard to see it. You get so overcome with the negative things going on, it is easy to miss the positives.
I like to look at it this way...if I hadn't gotten laid off, I never would have been able to spend time with my family when we all needed it the most. If I hadn't experienced my sister losing a perfect little baby, I wouldn't be able to appreciate how precious and delicate life really is. If I hadn't moved home, I wouldn't have reconnected with old friends. The list really goes on and on.
And then it started to get better. Slowly. My friends got married in September. I moved back to Texas in November. My sister found out she is pregnant again. And finally I got a job.
That was pretty much my year in a nutshell. It started and ended well, but the middle was rough. And honestly I don't know that I would change any of it. I feel like everything I've been through this year has truly made me into a better and stronger person. It has solidified (and tested) my faith in more ways than I thought possible. So as I put 2009 behind me and look forward to 2010...I know that no matter what God has in store for me, I am ready for it.
So now I leave you with this quote...
"She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too..." Hope Floats
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
This has been my life verse for years, and I find no matter what is going on, it always brings me a certain amount of comfort. It's a constant reminder that God's plans for my life are so much greater than anything I could imagine. And I think for the first time in quite a while, it really hit home this past year.
2009 started off better than I expected with one of my best friends getting engaged (to another great friend of mine). This joyful celebration was soon followed by the very exciting news that I was going to be an aunt for the first time! Things just seemed to be going really well. I was beyond thrilled with all of the momentous life events unfolding around me. And so grateful to be a part of them. I loved picking out bridesmaid dresses online and laughing about funny wedding things and especially shopping for cute baby clothes and toys in preparation to spoil my first neice or nephew absolutely rotten.
But it wasn't long after that my world came crashing down around me. (Sidenote: it may be a little bumm-y from here on down)
It was never a part of my plans to be forced out of the only job I've ever known and into the depressing world that is unemployment.
It was never a part of my plans to lose a sweet friend in such a tragic way and much too soon.
It was never a part of my plans to watch my sister and brother in law experience such heartache and loss.
The funny thing about all of those statements is they all revolve around me and my plans. Which is how we always think things work right? Not so much. It is really humbling to be reminded that we're not in control of any of it. Humbling and eye opening.
The middle of 2009 is all kind of a blur as I look back on it now. It all seemed to happen so fast. And yet so slow at the same time. There was so much hurt and loss and sadness. But I think throughout it all, there was always hope. And faith. Hope that things would get better and faith that everything was happening with a purpose. Sometimes it's just hard to see it. You get so overcome with the negative things going on, it is easy to miss the positives.
I like to look at it this way...if I hadn't gotten laid off, I never would have been able to spend time with my family when we all needed it the most. If I hadn't experienced my sister losing a perfect little baby, I wouldn't be able to appreciate how precious and delicate life really is. If I hadn't moved home, I wouldn't have reconnected with old friends. The list really goes on and on.
And then it started to get better. Slowly. My friends got married in September. I moved back to Texas in November. My sister found out she is pregnant again. And finally I got a job.
That was pretty much my year in a nutshell. It started and ended well, but the middle was rough. And honestly I don't know that I would change any of it. I feel like everything I've been through this year has truly made me into a better and stronger person. It has solidified (and tested) my faith in more ways than I thought possible. So as I put 2009 behind me and look forward to 2010...I know that no matter what God has in store for me, I am ready for it.
So now I leave you with this quote...
"She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too..." Hope Floats
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
An Aggie in Austin...
So the (new) journey begins! Yay!!
Just two days ago I got in my car and drove about 200 miles south on I-35 to the beautiful city of Austin. Or as I like to think of it...the Denver of the south. Silly I know.
I decided to move down about a week early so I had a little more time to get settled and get some things done before I head back into the real world. Like getting my car registered in Texas...and subsequently inspected. Or setting up my new (and awesome Christmas present) membership to 24 hour fitness. Things to be done in the next couple of days.
My plan was to get everything organized yesterday...well at least to get all of the clothes out of my car anyway. But apparently my stomach had other plans for me. Sadly I was awoken in the early hours of Monday morning with a pretty bad case of what I think was food poisoning. And let me tell you there is nothing I despise more than having an upset stomach. It is physically exhausting and honestly just disgusting. Ha, sorry for that. So I pretty much laid around the house and slept on and off yesterday. Drank some gatorade and avoided food for the most part. Good times right there.
Another damper on my day yesterday was a phone call that I received in the evening from my HR contact at the new company. She called to tell me that they got all of my paperwork in and everything but there was a problem with my drug test. And before she told me what the problem was...I was baffled. I mean I think I'm about as drug free as you can get. Apparently the test was negative but showed that I was "over-hydrated"...which basically makes it invalid. As soon as she said that I was really quite upset...because the fantastic people that run the testing facility in Fort Worth insisted that I drink lots of water there before I tested to make sure I had enough of a sample. I mean really...over-hydrated? And she also told me that if something like this happened again then they would retract my offer. It was a little shocking.
Thankfully today I woke up feeling like myself and was allowed to retake my drug test (an oral swab this time) at the company. And I passed (duh). So today has definitely been an improvement over yesterday. I even got a huge chunk of unpacking done as well! Way to go me! Haha. Just need to continue the productivity the rest of the week and weekend.
But it is a little bit scary to be starting over again...new city, new job, new chapter in my life. Obviously exciting too. Still scary though. Especially since I have been not working for quite a while now. Not that I think I won't be motivated or anything like that, but it's something totally different than what I've been doing for the past few years and I know it's going to be hard at first. Just have to have faith in myself and my abilities. And be thankful for the opportunity that's been given to me!!
So many things to look forward to over the next few weeks. 2010 is definitely looking like a great year so far!!
Just two days ago I got in my car and drove about 200 miles south on I-35 to the beautiful city of Austin. Or as I like to think of it...the Denver of the south. Silly I know.
I decided to move down about a week early so I had a little more time to get settled and get some things done before I head back into the real world. Like getting my car registered in Texas...and subsequently inspected. Or setting up my new (and awesome Christmas present) membership to 24 hour fitness. Things to be done in the next couple of days.
My plan was to get everything organized yesterday...well at least to get all of the clothes out of my car anyway. But apparently my stomach had other plans for me. Sadly I was awoken in the early hours of Monday morning with a pretty bad case of what I think was food poisoning. And let me tell you there is nothing I despise more than having an upset stomach. It is physically exhausting and honestly just disgusting. Ha, sorry for that. So I pretty much laid around the house and slept on and off yesterday. Drank some gatorade and avoided food for the most part. Good times right there.
Another damper on my day yesterday was a phone call that I received in the evening from my HR contact at the new company. She called to tell me that they got all of my paperwork in and everything but there was a problem with my drug test. And before she told me what the problem was...I was baffled. I mean I think I'm about as drug free as you can get. Apparently the test was negative but showed that I was "over-hydrated"...which basically makes it invalid. As soon as she said that I was really quite upset...because the fantastic people that run the testing facility in Fort Worth insisted that I drink lots of water there before I tested to make sure I had enough of a sample. I mean really...over-hydrated? And she also told me that if something like this happened again then they would retract my offer. It was a little shocking.
Thankfully today I woke up feeling like myself and was allowed to retake my drug test (an oral swab this time) at the company. And I passed (duh). So today has definitely been an improvement over yesterday. I even got a huge chunk of unpacking done as well! Way to go me! Haha. Just need to continue the productivity the rest of the week and weekend.
But it is a little bit scary to be starting over again...new city, new job, new chapter in my life. Obviously exciting too. Still scary though. Especially since I have been not working for quite a while now. Not that I think I won't be motivated or anything like that, but it's something totally different than what I've been doing for the past few years and I know it's going to be hard at first. Just have to have faith in myself and my abilities. And be thankful for the opportunity that's been given to me!!
So many things to look forward to over the next few weeks. 2010 is definitely looking like a great year so far!!
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