Sometimes I feel like the music I listen to has a theme to it. Or maybe it has to do with the day that I'm listening to it...maybe even the time of day. In the morning something more lively to wake me up as I drive...and in the evening something to calm me down as I fight through traffic and reflect on the day. Weekends are pretty much free game. And I realized today, as I was driving around, that some of the songs I was listening to centered around strength. Perhaps even the lack there of.
Which made me reflect into my own life of course. Music has a way of doing that to me sometimes.
And then I got to thinking...I've always considered myself a "strong" person. I don't necessarily mean physically strong either. More so emotionally and spiritually (or mentally) strong. I'm not trying to be arrogant or anything, but I like to think it is an attribute I was blessed with. Whether it's being a shoulder to cry on during the tough times, holding my head high when things don't go my way, or even venturing out into the unknown...it just seemed to come naturally to me. Or it used to anyway.
A person can only be so strong really.
Over the past 26 years I have experienced so much. A lot of life, an overwhelming amount of laughter and love, and sadly a fair share of loss. It hasn't always been easy to stay strong...we all have moments of weakness...and other moments where strength is the last thing someone needs. And today I was thinking that maybe I'm not so strong anymore. The last year has really taken a toll on my personal strength in some ways.
I think my emotional strength has been affected the most. That's not to say I never showed emotion before or lacked passion in the things I did...but I feel like I've become overly emotional lately. And it's not really a bad thing, just different. The smallest things can bring tears to my eyes these days. Hearing a song in a different way...witnessing a life changing moment...receiving a text message full of good news...but more so the things in my life where I feel like I'm making wrong decisions.
I know we all make choices or do things we aren't always sure of or may look back on and see differently later on...and I am a firm believer that everything happens or has happened for a reason...but sometimes it's hard to see the strength in those decisions. I have always felt like I am at my weakest when I am in the midst of change. You may call it being vulnerable or tempted...but I tend to see a lot of it as weakness. I may give in too easily or do something I normally wouldn't during a more stable time in my life, but regardless, it happens to all of us I think. And when I was younger it was easier to bounce back...things didn't affect me the way they do now. Part of growing up I suppose. But each time it gets harder to regain my strength back after my emotions take some kind of blow.
So as I was thinking about all of this today, I realized it's ok to not be the strong person all the time. Maybe I'm just moving on to a different time in my life where I am learning to rely on others (especially God) for my strength. Not to say I haven't always depended on my family and friends for support...but I'm not sure I ever really turned to God when I was truly weak. Of course I always knew He was there, no matter what, but I think I relied on myself to get through it. And now I really know that I can't do it on my own. It is both humbling and a blessing.
Then I remembered a verse that I used to love reading when I was feeling weak. So as I continue my battle to find balance between strength and weakness, I leave you with this...
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinithians 12:9
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